December 23, 2014

Response to Anonymous Comment

I saw this comment in moderation a couple days ago. So many thoughts flooded my mind as I read, and I knew I needed to respond to it. Anonymous stated:
  

Dear Anonymous,

You misjudge the extent to which I have forgiven him.

Forgiving and trusting are very different things. If someone were to repeatedly ask you to borrow a very valuable, sentimental object of yours, and you let them, and they broke it every time, at what point would you set a boundary and not let them borrow it anymore? This has been a little what trying to have a relationship with my father has been like.

How can I fully trust him when he will not even accept accountability for his actions to me and other children? I lived in his home for three years, and all he ever did was accuse others for his actions. He never took full accountability for anything, especially not for his abuse of my mom, Angie, or any of these other sexually inappropriate actions with children.

I can forgive my dad to the fullest extent that I can, but I don't have to trust him. I can still be careful around him to protect myself. Forgiving someone does not mean accepting abusive actions toward myself or others going forward. Forgiving someone does not mean being naive to the possibility of him behaving the same way I've seen him behave for the past 19 years.

Are you saying that you also talk to your children often about sex and pornography, and place your youngest kid in the position of the child being sexually assaulted by the adult, which you refer to as yourself?? I sincerely hope not.

OF COURSE there are 'talks' every parent dreads having with their children, that need to happen at a child's appropriate age. What my dad did was not normal parent talks. And he often did them without another adult present. I think you need to re-read the instances of what I have referred to as, 'inappropriate sexual conduct.' (Not physical sexual abuse, as I believe you meant. Though I DO consider all hundreds of these instances of inappropriate sexual conduct my dad engaged in with us to be sexual abuse when considered all together, because of the extreme trauma and sexual discomfort it caused us.)

Then again, if you're convinced I'm coached, there is absolutely no point in even responding to you.

I hope that you're watching everything occurring with both eyes open. Please realize that although the courts claimed my mother to have coached us, most of the officials--officials who were trying to assess our situation so the court could have enough information to rule properly--never met with me. And realize that if you are calling me 'coached,' and you are wrong (which you are, but I will give you the benefit of the doubt), what you are actually doing is placing shame upon me for anything I say, as well as making an excuse for my abuser. I can't even describe to you the pain people are causing me by calling me 'coached.'

I have a voice. I am a human, not a pawn. I have memories. So many memories of trauma I lived through at the hands of my father. And I am choosing to share those memories. Because I would hate the consequences of holding anything back. Silence only enables abuse. I understand and empathize with those who don't want to find out my father has done such horrible things to children, but he has.

By the way, who has had primary custody of my sisters for the past four years? My dad. My sisters were isolated, monitored, and controlled so severely that they couldn't possibly have been brainwashed against him in the limited time they got with Mom. How could she have maintained her so-called "brainwashing" during her 15-minutes-or-less phone calls with my dad standing next to them the whole time? The idea is nonsensical. Those who call us coached are doing so out of such ignorance.

I appreciate this opportunity to thoroughly explain my position on forgiveness in this particularly complicated instance. I appreciate your thoughts and considerations. I realize that nobody who hasn't lived behind closed doors with Brian Wolferts can possibly understand the pain my sisters and I have endured. Nor can you fully understand the pain of re-living all these experiences. I forgive you for being blind to that, and I thank you for giving me the chance to hear your concerns and respond with my truth. Feel free to comment on my blog with any other legitimate concerns and/or questions.

11 comments:

  1. You are much more forgiving than I am. I admire you immensely. <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. Also, regarding the point the anonymous commenter made: "I hope you recognize...this needs to end." Brian Wolferts has had the power since June to "end this" by facing his daughters in court and addressing their allegations, which he is still fighting against doing. He could have worked to find them a safe, KNOWN, place to reside until they could officially (through the courts and in therapy) decide where the girls should live. Yet Brian Wolferts refuses to do this. He is their father, and seems more concerned with working hard to make it impossible for his daughters to speak about his abuse than with getting them help.

    Why are you putting it on Brittany to end this? Are you suggesting that she should stop exposing her dad's considerable and constant abuse? She still has a sister and stepmom in his house, who are also his victims. Are you suggesting that Brittany should stop making HIM uncomfortable? Maybe he should have thought about that possibility when he went public with his search for his victims. Maybe HE should have worked to get them heard so they didn't lose half a year (and counting) of their teen years hiding in fear. Maybe HE should step up and stop moving to dismiss their case against him--a case that seems to be legitimate and valid, considering all of this man's many abusive behaviors that target women and girls.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so glad you said this Lisa! "Why are you putting it on Brittany to end this? Are you suggesting that she should stop exposing her dad's considerable and constant abuse? She still has a sister and stepmom in his house, who are also his victims. Are you suggesting that Brittany should stop making HIM uncomfortable? Maybe he should have thought about that possibility when he went public with his search for his victims. Maybe HE should have worked to get them heard so they didn't lose half a year (and counting) of their teen years hiding in fear. Maybe HE should step up and stop moving to dismiss their case against him--a case that seems to be legitimate and valid, considering all of this man's many abusive behaviors that target women and girls. "

      Delete
  3. lynell dangerfield12/23/14, 6:34 PM

    The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget

    ReplyDelete
  4. It is hard for me Brittany to see the way your statements are being twisted and turned into lies against you. I am so sorry you are facing the brutal pain of it, and so publicly. This makes perfect sense to me. "And realize that if you are calling me 'coached,' and you are wrong (which you are, but I will give you the benefit of the doubt), what you are actually doing is placing shame upon me for anything I say, as well as making an excuse for my abuser. I can't even describe to you the pain people are causing me by calling me 'coached.'

    You are SO RIGHT here! "I have a voice. I am a human, not a pawn."

    You are so strong Brittany! And we believe you! Because we see the truth!! I am so sorry you are dealing with this level of cyber bullying and slander when you are doing the hardest thing to do in the world... Face Abuse.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your constant support, Mia! It means the world to me.
      Honestly, one of the hardest things I've ever had to work through is the slander, bullying, etc. that the internet brought--from people who didn't know anything about me! Let alone my dad, my sisters and my mom. Forgiving them--the leering, angry, faceless internet public making false claims against me and my family--has been difficult. It is a daily struggle, but it helps to continually give all of them the benefit of the doubt. Keep speaking my truth, in hopes that they will find it in their hearts to see the reality of the situation..

      Delete
  5. Very wise words, Brittany. You have wisdom beyond your years. Although, many would say that your father is not worthy of forgiveness, you have shown such grace and have shown what a true Christian is all about. You're father is not worthy of such a wonderful young woman for a daughter. I hope someday he realizes what a royal mess he has made in his relationship with you, Syd, & Dani. He will have a lot of work to do to regain the trust of all of you. Continue to stay strong and know we all love you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love you too, Stacy! I appreciate that so much. Thank you for being a spiritual strength to me.

      Delete