December 7, 2014

The Past Ten Years (From a Child's Perspective)

On July 17, 2014, my two younger sisters ran away. That's the story that got so many people involved with my family's situation. But the story behind what happened this July has lasted over ten years... It's the story of my life.

When I was nine years old, my parents separated. I never understood what it was like to not live in constant fear of my father. I felt that I was living with a ticking time bomb, because if my sisters or I did things such as eat the wrong way or close a door wrong, he would become extremely aggressive towards us. He would hurt us physically by pinching and twisting skin, thumping on the head, yanking limbs, etc. He also attacked my mom if she did anything he disapproved of--and that could be literally anything. I saw him not only psychologically but physically abuse her, and that was so harmful to me. Up until the time of my parent's separation, I thought that's what dads were like. I thought being afraid of my dad was normal. Seeing the way he treated my mom, I learned to think that was just how fathers treated mothers. I was always confused when I went to my friend's houses and saw that their dads were loving and treated their wives and families with kindness and respect.

When my mom chose to leave late one night and take us to a shelter, I had never felt more safe and protected in my life.  I felt so happy because I was away from my dad. Being a nine year old girl, I wasn't sure if I should feel guilty for being so happy and not missing his presence. Knowing we were somewhere where he couldn't get to us made me feel so secure.

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After a few months we started seeing my dad again. We moved into an apartment with our mom, and started weekend visits with him. We had counseling through ACAFS in Provo, Utah and some others. My dad began to use different types of abuse, like mental and emotional, to punish us for anyone we'd open up to. He'd threaten us, and say things such as "I know everything you've ever said and wrote about me. You're such a liar, I can't believe you're so untrustworthy." He'd talk constantly about our mom going to jail if we told people what he had done. It was absolute terrorism to such young children--my younger sisters were only five and three and a half years old.  Since the youngest was a toddler, she often cried during the weekends with our dad because she missed our mom so bad. She would beg to call our mother, and my dad would take the cell phone my mom had given us and wouldn't let us call--not even to calm his daughter from her constant sobs. It would not have taken more than a quick call to help her.

My  mom, on the other hand, tried to encourage a healthy relationship with our dad. She made sure we made our weekly calls to him that were court scheduled, even when we resisted. When we'd scream and cry before visits to my dad she would try her best to soothe us. She didn't speak negatively about our dad--not even when we told her what he had said to scare us. I distinctly remember her nourishing the good memories we had of him, and trying to help us focus on the positive. She encouraged us to be involved in art and music, and develop our talents. She helped us reach our potentials and boosted our self-esteem continually. 

Flash forward about five years, and the situation with our dad had continually gotten worse. He didn't let us call our mom on visits with him, was bashing her more and more frequently, and continued to target and threaten us individually for things we'd said in the past to therapists. This was hard for my sisters and I, because all we'd done was try to cry for help, and we were being punished relentlessly for that. He began targeting our character, saying things such as "You're choosing to follow the adversary/Satan," "You're throwing away your life," "It's so sad that I will never be able to trust you for what you've done," etc. These things were destructive to our self-esteem as well as our spiritual well-being, because we were strong members of our church. 

He was attacking everything about us--our emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual selves. My self esteem plummeted, and my sisters' did as well. We had to learn to hide how we felt from everyone (church members, neighbors, peers at school, even my dad's side of the family), because if we seem depressed or even sad in the slightest, he would lecture us and drain us even more. He wanted us to appear constantly happy to the community, to appear to everyone that we were a perfect family and my mom was the 'bad' parent, but those who were closest to us saw when our walls of perfection came down. Those who knew us the closest were aware that we were crumbling inside.

My mom was aware of our suffering, and it affected our time with her, because my dad was emotionally abusing us so severely that we would come home extremely weighed-down. We'd have to "unwind" from being in such a toxic environment--it was as if we'd have to come out of depression after every weekend we saw him. We were physically sick more often than normal, from all the stress he caused. My sisters and I felt that it would never end. 

My dad won custody in March 2011, after an unfortunate series of events including technicalities, as well as conflict of interests between appointed court people (I won't go into depth, but more answers on this can be found on the timeline and documents tabs). Sydney, Dani and I will never forget the day custody was changed. 'Painful' would not be an adequate word to describe that day. We had been checked out of school that day, and once we traveled to Provo to be informed that custody had changed, we weren't allowed to see our mom or go get our things. We were torn from everything we ever knew--our schools (although the courts promised we could go to our registered schools, we were forced to switch), our friends, our family, church community, neighborhood, and our primary caregiver; our mother. My mom had full custody for six years, and even before that, she was the parent that was most involved in our raising. The three of us were unprepared for the amount of detrimental change that altered our entire universe.

Our world crumbled around us after we moved in with our dad, as we anticipated. Without our mom's loving understanding, we were forced to endure my dad's relentless attacks alone. We were not only kept from seeing our mother, but kept from each other--my dad would monitor us constantly and we weren't allowed to talk without being in his presence. Many tears of absolute hopelessness were shed behind our bedroom doors, alone. It didn't take long--merely months--for our dad to tell us to "get over it." We weren't allowed to cry in front of him or my stepmom, express that we missed our mom, or even show that we were sad. Our emotions were being extremely bottled at his decisions, for reasons I still don't understand. 

I would like to go into a little more depth about our switching schools. As we sat at a long table in the office of our GAL (who had never even spoken with us before, by the way), and he told us that custody had been changed, we were so shaken that we couldn't speak. When tears began to surface as the weight of what had happened hit me, I looked at him and asked, "We still get to stay at our same schools, right?" His answer of "yes" wasn't enough for me--I asked him to promise us. He and the others in that room promised me. I couldn't imagine moving to a new school, on top of everything else. I knew that I was going to be depressed for a while, and I needed the small amount of social support that came through friends. It wasn't just that I'd lose all my friends, but I was concerned about bullying and other social aspects. I was especially concerned for my little sisters' young vulnerability to bullying. As we fought back sobs when leaving that Provo office, the only thing I could focus on was that I wouldn't have to change schools. So, when my dad told us later that summer that he planned to have us change schools, it shook me to the core. It was the only promise the court people made to me, and my dad broke it like it was nothing.

A major loss to my sisters and I was our most prized talents and passions. Art was a way I'd expressed myself since I was old enough to pick up a crayon.  Our mom recognized my gift, and nurtured it with love and devotion. She built my self esteem through my talents, and allowed me to reach my fullest potential with it. With her help, I was awarded countless trophies, certificates, and medals for my artwork through Utah's 'Reflections' program, state fairs, and school district competitions. I watched her do the same with Sydney and Dani. We thrived through art, including music. My mom was a piano teacher, and she taught all three of us. We won numerous awards through piano, and joyed in the knowledge that we would always have that instrument to rely on in our lives. Everything I am now I owe to her--the reason my sisters and I didn't absolutely fall apart through the past ten years was because of her and her faith in us. Not only our creative abilities, but our strength and other emotional, spiritual, and mental abilities.

When my dad got custody, there was no more art and music. We fell out of our regular practice, because whenever we'd try to play, he would tell us to stop or give us tasks to complete. We began losing our hard-earned abilities with the instrument we'd known our whole lives, and that was hard for us. It was just as bad with art. As soon as custody was transferred, I was forbidden from taking any art classes. (In fact, I got in trouble for having to go behind his back to sign up for a college art class my senior year). My whole life I dreamed of being an artist and pianist. Art was a huge part of who I was and how I expressed myself. It was therapeutic for me, a critical outlet in times of stress. When my dad took that from me, I felt like I was going to unravel. The years I have lost in my musical and artistic development, as well as my sisters, are irreplaceable. 

Something that was terribly difficult for me to watch was the way Dad started treating Angie. As soon as we found out she was going to be our stepmom (a few days before the wedding), I feared for her. I even wrote in my journal about it at age twelve. I hoped with all my heart that my dad could somehow change--that somehow he would never mistreat his new wife the way he had to my mom. When they were married, it was obvious that Angie had no idea about what had gone on in my family's past. He had entirely kept her in the dark about how he abused us (and now its clear to me that she had no clue about the affairs and other marital issues, too). I felt so bad for her, but my sisters and I didn't know if warning her would help anything (we were only 12, 8 and 6 years old at the time). Angie was the sweetest, kindest woman we ever could have asked for as a stepmom. She came into the situation with such grace, and tried her best to make the transition as normal as possible. We love Angie, and seeing the way my dad began to use the same abusive techniques toward her as my mom killed us inside. 

I honestly don't know how I lived through the next four years. My sisters and I weren't living; we were surviving. Every day we were walking on nails. Anytime our dad was away at work, we mentally prepared ourselves for what was inevitable once he got home--hours of incessant tirades full of disrespectful words towards our mother and our character. It was hard to focus on school, homework, friends, chores, etc. while we were engulfed by constant fear and stress. We suffered physically through our emotional distress--constant headaches, stomach aches, severe acne, bed wetting, and numerous other symptoms. I struggle even now to describe the severity of the effects that came from living with him.

11 comments:

  1. I have been watching your plight from both Facebook pages ( your page Missing Wolferts girls - Finding the Answers and also your dad's now-closed page Help find our missing girls) for months. I am so glad you started this blog. I wish you had started it in the beginning because of how many debates and conversations have been deleted lately that paint a more accurate picture of all of the opinions of people who have supported you or opposed you and supported your dad.

    I saw today more commentary in support of your dad, from a person who claims to have read your blog. I find it shocking that anyone could possibly read your blog and not see how abusive Brian Wolferts is to the women and daughters in his life. I simply can not understand why someone would still continue to support him in any way after reading your accounts from your life. Why would anyone want to openly support an abuser against three young women who are telling us about his abuse? It is so crazy. To rational adults, it seems clear as day that you and your sisters need help to be protected from his abuse. People who seek to silence you by painting you as brainwashed children whose mom has sought to alienate you against your father seem to have some kind of nefarious and shady motives at play. I am beginning to think it is possible that these supporters of Brian Wolferts have been involved in some kind of organized abuser-support network that goes around trying to help abusers get away with their crimes. It seems like they MUST be abusers themselves who need to keep building each other up to enable each other to continue their abuse. I just can't see what other possible motive someone might have to willingly deny the obvious abuse the rest of us can see these girls have suffered and continue to suffer while Brian Wolferts avoids them in court.

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  2. I was raised with a similar father... I know the heartache you describe. I understand the discomfort and "unsure" feelings about your dad which you describe. These men don't change. They learn to mask it and they get better and then they get worse. There are decent days where you love him just because you're supposed to... because you feel obligated to, or guilty for not. There are horrible days that leave you wanting to die. Thinking the pain will go away if you were to just die. I know that pain. I know going to bed, hearing fighting and abuse, seeing a father go from paying tithing in front of the congregation... to coming home and being a terrorist, psychopath with unrealistic demands. I know how he pushes buttons and does things to provoke and upset you. He wants to be the victim. I also have 3 sisters, no brothers. I'm second from the oldest. My older sister left at 18 and seldom returned. She helped me move out a few weeks before my 18th birthday and I feared, every day, for my sisters. I worried that he would one day go on a rampage and kill my family. His temper grew worse after I moved out as he now targeted the younger two. I checked in on them and discussions were always, " how has it been? Has it gotten worse?" Along with stories of further abuse. My younger sisters got into drugs and alcohol and left the church when they were 16/17. One went out seeking intimacy in any way she could find love.
    These types of "fathers" make you feel guilty, constantly. The people supporting Brian don't know what you know. They can't imagine it. They hear "terrorist father" and they assume you're being a dramatic teen... however, I believe MOST people can see that he is mentally unstable and that he wanted to hurt you girls. The only way he could continue to hurt Michelle... was to hurt you girls. By abusing you, he abuses her. By saying she's a horrible mother, he abuses all of you.

    There is guilt that comes from sharing these stories... don't feel guilty. Let him feel the guilt for harming all of you. This blog is amazing as you're able to tell what memories you have... it helps people to see the pain. I read every post because I cannot believe how similar our situations are... and if I knew as a teen that there were successful women entrepreneurs who had lived the hell I lived, I would've healed better--maybe faster. I'm still healing. It's been 12 years since I moved out...and my dad still tries to control me. He can be nice and act like dad of the year... and I used to fall for it... I'd go visit them and I'd pay for a flight there, then I'd be stuck without a car the whole trip and he'd tear me down until the moment I stepped out of the car to catch my flight.

    12 years later and he still makes me uneasy. He still isn't stable. He's still looking at porn (I believe)...and my mom lives the pretend fantasy life that Angie lives. My mom has been changed... she is broken. It took my dad a while... but he has broken my mom. I share this with you in hopes that the girls see it. My diary was filled with sad things when I was their age. Will I be sad when my dad eventually dies? Yes. Will I miss the happy times? Yes. Will I still have years of therapy needed from the emotional and physical abuse? Definitely.
    Things get better, girls. Brighter days ahead. Think about being 25, where will you be? What about 35? Or 36 yrs old? You have sooo much happiness ahead. Stay strong. Keep your chin up!

    You'll have kids of your own to raise before you know it and he won't be allowed to hurt them. You'll have your own car and you'll be able to leave when he's being "himself" ... the best part is that you get your free agency back. You get to choose when/if you visit him and for how long.
    I pray Angie walks away for her baby girls sake. Good luck!

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing this. It's so so hard to re-live these kinds of things, I really appreciate you for being strong.
      It's a horrible roller-coaster of emotion--a nightmare, really--to live with someone who can turn in the blink of an eye. Someone who can act like the best parent figure, and then get set off and drain you until you wonder why life is worth living.
      There ARE brighter days ahead. I love that you said that. One day, my sisters will be old enough to make their own choice. One day they will find someone who start their life with (like I have) who treats them opposite of how they're used to being treated by a male figure. One day they will have their own little family, and break the cycle of abuse... One day this will be over, as hard as it is to believe, because that's what people have told us for ten years. But it will.
      Thank you for your heartfelt comment, anon. God be with you!

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  3. Psychopath. That is what word comes to mind. I have been watching all 3 Facebook pages for sometime and find it especially interesting that your father's side is accusing your mother of alienation, yet everything the actual victims describe demonstrates that HE is actually the one committing the alienation. His sophistication in fooling others reeks of a sick man and is why the term psychopath comes to mind. There is a special place in hell for Brian Wolferts.

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    1. I totally agree with your assessment. Unless we debate sociopath vs psychopath. Either way, the guy has no clue how to treat women of any age. :(

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    2. One thing that all three of us learned about our dad is that he will often speak in opposites. Anything that he had done that weighed on his conscious, he would say someone else did. For example: "There was always one-sided abuse in my marriage to your mom. She was always abusive toward me." Translation: He was always abusive to her. Ex 2: "Brittany, you've always loved to lie. You love the thrill it gives you to have people give you attention, and you love the feeling of getting away with tricking them." Translation: HE loves to lie. HE loves the thrill, and getting people to believe him.
      When he started accusing my mom of alienating, we were not surprised. It had been what he had done all along. Somehow, he thinks he can get away from the fact that his three daughters (that know him as his true self) are all going to be adults soon, and are going to expose it all. I'm not surprised at all that he has his side claiming that this entire blog is a lie. He's terrified of the truth coming out.

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  4. This comment shows the level of ignorance of some people. They don't seem to realize that when they agree with your father that your mother was doing the alienation that you are offering proof that he was the one committing the alienating behaviors.

    Suzanne Simard Reese I doubt if the girls even know what is truth. Like Brenda said, none of us can claim to know the truth ourselves. But the evidence certainly does point in this direction. From my experience, in cases of parental alienation, the victims grow up hearing so much negative about one parent that they lose their sense of reality. Think of someone you love, who you know loves you. Now imagine you had been told so convincingly that you had to believe it, that this person acts good but is actually evil. That they lie and manipulate in everything they do. And that before you knew them they committed heinous crimes for which they are not sorry and only waiting for an opportune time to commit again. You would come to be suspicious of everything they do, and put ulterior motives onto innocent behavior. This is the reality that many children live under. It's very possible that Britanny believes for all she's worth that she's doing the right thing, but is still living under a cloud of control that she can't see. My heart aches for these girls.

    Brian is just upset that his secrets are being told. His reinstatement into the church isn't a sign of his repentance. Anyone can lie to ecclesiastical leaders. The burden lies with the sinner to prove to God. The Lord knows the truth. Brian can lie to everyone here, but he cannot lie to the Lord.

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    1. This comment I am replying to is confusing, so I am editing it to show that Anonymous (Sun Dec 07, 06:58:00 PM MST) quoted someone within their comment. Here is the above comment with punctuation added to help show the quoted comment by Suzanne Simard Reese, and the subsequent commentary by the Anonymous commenter:

      This comment shows the level of ignorance of some people. They don't seem to realize that when they agree with your father that your mother was doing the alienation that you are offering proof that he was the one committing the alienating behaviors.

      Suzanne Simard Reese wrote on Brian Wolferts' closed Facebook Group, "I doubt if the girls even know what is truth. Like Brenda said, none of us can claim to know the truth ourselves. But the evidence certainly does point in this direction. From my experience, in cases of parental alienation, the victims grow up hearing so much negative about one parent that they lose their sense of reality. Think of someone you love, who you know loves you. Now imagine you had been told so convincingly that you had to believe it, that this person acts good but is actually evil. That they lie and manipulate in everything they do. And that before you knew them they committed heinous crimes for which they are not sorry and only waiting for an opportune time to commit again. You would come to be suspicious of everything they do, and put ulterior motives onto innocent behavior. This is the reality that many children live under. It's very possible that Britanny believes for all she's worth that she's doing the right thing, but is still living under a cloud of control that she can't see. My heart aches for these girls."

      Brian is just upset that his secrets are being told. His reinstatement into the church isn't a sign of his repentance. Anyone can lie to ecclesiastical leaders. The burden lies with the sinner to prove to God. The Lord knows the truth. Brian can lie to everyone here, but he cannot lie to the Lord.

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    2. Thank you. I didn't mean to make that confusing.

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  5. Many court appointed psychologists and officials in addition to the girls reported that the girls had not been coached, or brainwashed. In fact they all found that she had done the opposite. Had the girls try and remember good things about their dad since they had to live with him.
    Michelle also passed a lie detector with flying colors after being asked if she coached or spoke negatively to her kids about their dad. She was 100% truthful.
    Where is Brian Wolferts lie detector test. LMAO. There is none.
    Where is Brian Wolferts psychiatrist to say he's healthy to be around children?
    Oh there isn't one. That's right.
    The people supporting him are abusers by proxy.

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