October 15, 2015

Overcoming Abuse

Opening up about my road to overcoming my father's abuse is emotionally exhausting. There have been countless people trying to shut me down. These people have never met me and have no idea what me or my sisters have gone through, yet they try their hardest to silence any word of abuse and pain that we have endured. It is truly incredible and sickening all at once, because these cyber-bullies are adding to the self-degrading thoughts and self-worth struggles that my dad has previously instilled in my mind.

Some of these difficulties have subsided after careful treatment and healing, but others I continue to deal with and will most likely struggle with for the rest of my life. Part of his emotional abuse to us consisted of constant and incessant remarks, laced with anger and a desire for us to be miserable. My entire life (especially the years in his home) were full of comments such as:

-"You are a liar, you will always be a liar." (This was most often said when I would speak out about the way he had always treated us since we were little.)

-"You are not a trustworthy person. I will never be able to trust you."

-"One day you are going to get married, and you are going to think that you have a great marriage but you are going to screw it up and he will leave you."

-"You WILL be divorced someday, and you will be all alone--JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER." 

-"You will be miserable for the rest of your life because of what you've done." (Referring to me "lying" about abuse and trying to speak out about it.)

-"You're following the adversary (Satan)!"

-"You will never be happy because of your horrible choices."

-"You will never be successful at ______." I leave this one blank, because it was always whatever I was passionate about in school. Art, piano, choir--whatever it was, he made sure that I felt I would never be successful at anything. He would talk to my sisters the same way.

These are only a few among numberless fears, difficulties and issues I have struggled with because of my dad's abuse:

-Struggling to believe that I deserve to be heard and speak on behalf of my experiences (and my sisters').

-Never feeling confident that I'm qualified for any kind of position or opportunity. I feel that I do not deserve it.

-Hesitancy to meet new people, open new doors, because I feel like I'm a failure and I will always disappoint people.

-Disbelief that people like me.

-Feeling that I'm being critically analyzed by people, because he had constantly critically analyzed me.

-Having random moments of thinking that I will never get anywhere in life, that life is pointless, that I'm stuck, etc.

-Thinking that I don't deserve things that make me happy. This is a huge one that I struggle with daily. I battle with guilt every time I experience any happiness.

-Feeling that I don't deserve success in life.

-Physical manifestations of his abuse, including: bed wetting as a senior in high school, intense nightmares, severe cystic acne, borderline eating disorder, severe headaches and backaches caused by stress, and more.

The journey to overcoming these points and many more will take a lifetime of healing and therapy.

October 2, 2015


Dear supporters, friends, and family:

This is a post that I will be quoting from my Facebook page, for those of you who haven't seen this announcement. (I will also be posting beneath it.)

"I haven't updated my blog since before the last Dr. Phil rerun. I've been scared. I've been weak. I've let my head tell me that I shouldn't fight this battle, because my sisters and mother are still gone. I've let cutting, stinging words of people across the nation tell me that I'm wrong for speaking out. Well, guess what? Giving into those false judgments was the only wrong aspect of the past year. I'd like to share three favorite quotes:

I am learning every day to allow the space between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me, and not terrify me... If you want something you never had, you have to do something you've never done... Everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear.

Those are three quotes that inspire me, all in the same category. Think about the growth we have to go through in life, whether emotional, physical, spiritual, mental... we must experience pain and/or conquer fear in order to grow and progress. Luckily, faith is there. And with faith, I am learning to overcome my fears and dedicate my life to the amazing journey God has in store for me. I am proud to announce that after months of emotional, mental and spiritual healing, I will be posting again--religiously! I will be speaking out about abuse, my healing process, becoming whole, and of course talking about my sisters and mom. Please, if you or anyone you know would be interested, share my link with them. I look forward to connecting with many strong souls all over this country. Love sent to you all."

From the deepest part of my heart, I want to apologize to all of my supporters for my absence. I missed out on precious months of continuous posts, and when I could have been speaking out for my sisters and other abuse survivors, I was silent. As stated above, I gave into fear that was thrown at me for speaking out.

However, as much as I want to apologize, the past months have been so healing for my mental/emotional/spiritual health. I have grown and become incredibly stronger. I see my potential for what it is truly worth, and I am coming back with more resilience than I ever thought I could possess! There is so much more to say on behalf of my sisters and my abuse recovery. I am back, and I am here to stay. 

In conclusion, I am re-arranging my blog back into it's original position, before the Dr. Phil re-run in August. But before it is sorted back into the history of this blog, I would like to draw attention to the numerous comments and discussions that were posted to the first Dr. Phil post. I wish I could post all of them here, but there would literally be a lack of space! I highly recommend reading through these many strong abuse survivor's stories and comments. I am touched with all of the support, all of the strength within these souls. I am sure that if my sisters were here, they would be equally as overcome with gratitude.

Thank you all for everything. Here's to the future!