"Conflict Avoidant"

In a statement by Dr. Hyde in 2007, he spoke of testing he did on my mom (Michelle). He wrote,

"[o]ne of these tests, the MMPI-2, showed that she was conflict avoidant. I have found Michelle to be this way. She avoids conflict and contention."

My father (Brian) has always needed to have those closest to him--spouses and kids--be submissive to his control and abuse. When they try to assert their own will, he crushes them. I think that my father needs to be married to someone submissive in order to maintain the severe control he initiates, and afterward get away with the pain of the abuse he inflicts. 

Angie is conflict avoidant as well. Whenever I saw my mom or Angie try to exert a bit of autonomy or try to protect his children from the pain he inflicted, it led to huge fights and my dad would always, always increase his dominance and threatening behaviors until whoever stood up to him finally backed down. He does not tolerate push-back. My father is an abuser who demands absolute submission. 

"I Had No Idea"

Here is an excerpt from a letter my grandma Judy wrote to my mom's lawyer dated Oct 2, 2004:

"Today, 17 days after her telling me that Brian served her with divorce papers & filling me in with so much that happened since they got married -- I am still reeling. I had NO idea. She told us nothing. I always felt she was protecting him -- but I thought it was just from "little stuff" -- nothing so devastating & humiliating as what he has put her through. I honor her courage, persistence, devotion, love, & loyalty & her clear clear vision & desire to help another human being. I haven't had a clue, however, all this time, as to the horrendous struggle that has been taking place. Not only was this an incredibly negative situation, she received no support from his family, as they apparently blamed it on "relationship problems" & were unwilling to deal with their son on a deeper level. Michelle, incredible as it still is to  me, was always supportive -- 100% -- & only said good things about him. That's why this has all been such a shock to all of us."

My mom didn't want to tell her family and closest friends that she was an abused woman--just like so many other victims of domestic violence do.

Comment About Bear

This comment was left in response to my post about my dad throwing away my toddler sister's beloved Bear for a minor infraction when she was just two. I felt her comment was worth highlighting, with huge insight that both helps me personally and makes me want to wrap my sister up in my arms and protect her forever.

Another Response To A Tweet

People who don't know my mom call her crazy. People who DO know my mom call her just the opposite. Everyone who knows my mom calls her loving, kind, rational, smart, and supportive. Multiple therapists have examined her and found her to not be crazy, and to be mentally sound. My sisters were examined in June before they were forced to run away, and the psychologist Dr. Hyde currently attests that it would be harmful to my sisters to be removed from our mother's custody. All three of us know that our mother is not abusive.

People who don't know my father call him loving and kind. People who live with him behind closed doors, under his authority, know that he is not. All three of his daughters who are old enough to articulate detailed accounts of his abuse agree that our father is abusive. He is consistently abusive. He is chronically abusive. He seems to be unwilling to change how abusive he is, despite his admitted years of investigations into his abuse. 

A Great Blog Post

The following is a great blog post at the Equality Time blog that addresses a comment made this week by my dad's ardent supporter, Aaron Allred. Aaron is the founder and trustee of my dad's trust fund set up to help him fight me and my sisters in court where we seek protection from his abuse. His comment was incorporated into the blog Aaron created this week to support my father even further, by filling that blog with multiple allegations that I am a kidnapper and a liar, and that my supporters are as well. 

Having never spoken to Aaron Allred, or heard any comments or questions from him directly about my situation, I am not sure how he feels he can come forward with such statements that are misinformed and completely false.

Response To A Tweet

My dad's supporters tweeted this on Friday, December 12, 2014: "mother loses custody girls go missing."

Mom lost custody of us four years ago. I think it's pretty lame to continue to try to paint this urgent situation as a mom losing custody and suddenly taking off with her children. If my mom had wanted to take the girls and run, she would have done so six years ago when she first sought to protect my sisters after we complained about his abuse, and after she had found the Roby Report which revealed my dad's psychosexual therapist recommended supervised visitation was safest for my sisters and me. It was obvious my mom wasn't trying to remove my dad's rights, because she always encouraged a SAFE relationship with our father from the moment she discovered (too late) that her children may be at risk without supervised visits with our dad.

Shame on all those who keep suggesting that my mom has kidnapped my sisters. My sisters were not kidnapped. They ran away, only after their safety was removed when the court dropped their temporary restraining order and delayed their day in court. The restraining order and a court date to determine a safer place to live were the only protections that stood between my sisters and our father, whom they had just accused of abuse.

If my mom is with my sisters, I know that it is because she legally has the right, and morally has the obligation, to protect her children from known abuse. I know that my father is abusive. My sisters and mother know that he is abusive. Our family therapist who knows Dad knows that he is abusive. Now we need the court to give us the chance to say why, officially, in court.

Thank You For Commenting!

photo credit: www.hallmark.com

I want to thank everyone for taking the time to offer words of support and encouragement to me and my sisters throughout the pages and posts of my blog. I feel that keeping the ability to comment anonymously helps people to open up to me--sometimes about their own experiences with abuse which I know are hard to share. Anonymity helps people who feel unsafe to feel safe enough to post comments. (To those who question why anyone would feel unsafe: there have been people followed, hacked, threatened with physical harm, threatened with prosecution and imprisonment for things they did not do, and supporters have been bullied and ridiculed extensively). To those of you brave enough to stick by my side despite such threatening behavior by my dad's supporters, I hope you are blessed for your kindness. Your loving support means the world to me as I navigate trying to help my sisters be heard.

An occasional comment will be held in moderation until I can copy it to its own post. So if you have posted a good comment and are confused why it hasn't appeared yet, please be patient! I will address you if and when I find the time and energy to draft a thoughtful post about your concerns.

To those few persons who have not seen your comment get posted, I want to let you know that your comment will not be posted if it contains words that minimize the abuse my sisters and I have experienced. I also refuse to post comments that minimize the abuse my stepmom or mom have experienced while being married to my father. I have zero interest in promoting in any way anyone's sly effort to shame the victims of my father, Brian, with attempts to make us doubt our memory or experience. I suspect that a person must be pretty far gone already to read about how my dad has treated Angie, Abby, my mom, Sydney, Danielle, and me and not see it for the blatant abuse and unrighteous dominion that it clearly is.

Please continue to share your thoughts and questions in comments to this blog. It not only helps encourage new ideas for posts--it also shows support to Sydney and Dani during this holiday season.

Love to you all,

Brittany Wolferts

Brian Wolferts

The following is documented on my Timeline tab. It is a compilation of experiences as told to me by Sydney and Dani, as well as my own words regarding our dad, Brian Wolferts:

As small children he would violently shake, shove, slap, throw, wrench our skin, pull our hair, jamb his elbow in to our abdomen and knock our heads with knuckles or thumb and forefinger, etc.

He often picks up my youngest sister Abby (who is 3 now) in a very unusual way by gripping his hands around her upper thighs and carrying her by her upper thighs in to her room, where he locks the door against anyone else entering.

We have seen him physically hurt her, and have seen many bruises on her upper thighs. We have been too afraid to take pictures because he always checks our phone and obsessively controls us in order to find out about every single thing we do or say.

When he takes her screaming into the room, locks the door, and prevents her mother and everyone else from entering, we have overheard a pattern of her going from 5 to 10 minutes of intense screaming to, about 15 seconds or more of abrupt silence, screaming again then silence, which is followed by a long period of crying. We have often wondered if it is possible for her to be dead during her sudden total silence after screaming only because we can’t think of anything that would cause her sudden silence. This has happened approximately 2 to 3 times a week beginning from around the time she was 1 and 1 1/2 years old, which would make it over 200 times.

He has slapped been verbally abusive and constantly been extremely cruel to our stepmom in front of us on a weekly basis, constantly making her cry.

During the approximate three months that he started constantly telling us in-depth details about Josh Powell he would obsessively describe disturbing details about the way Josh Powell’s mind worked, tell us in great detail about how Josh Powell thought, and give us many painstaking details about all the various kinds of tactics Josh Powell used. This was extremely uncomfortable for us because he was near precisely describing himself and the ways that he acted and thought.

He often performs an abusive or negative act, immediately claims that others have performed his acts, then pretends that he is being grievously victimized by those very people he has acted upon. He has convinced many people through this pretend victim acting.

He has brought up leaving the U S., and we are sure he is planning another move in the same way that he secretly planned to move us quickly away from Utah.

My dad's abuse has caused my sisters and I to experience physical damage through various illnesses and symptoms of prolonged emotional distress through: varying degrees of shock, nauseas, severe headaches, bed wetting, nightmares, Celiac’s Disease symptoms, flashbacks, and overwhelming desire for our lives to end—at times with an imminent threat of complete emotional breakdown.

Obsessive Control: Monitoring Movements

I want to talk some more about what it feels like to live under the extreme and obsessive control of someone who uses isolation, triangulation, anger, fear and punishment to control everyone in his house. There is a really soul-crushing way that my dad exerts his obsessive control and dominion: he monitors everything. It's like living life on eggshells where any normal thing could set off my dad and cause his violent temper to erupt.

My dad (Brian Wolferts) always obsessively monitored all communication with our mom. We had to ask his permission to call our mom, even if it was just to tell her how our day went, and most times he would tell us there was no reason we needed to contact her so we weren't allowed to. When we did call her, we had to be in the same room with him at all times so he was within earshot of every word. 

After my dad moved the girls to Kansas (I had moved out six months previous), he continued to obsessively monitor all calls and Skype (video) calls between them and me/our mom. He limited their calls to 15-20 minutes once a week, and demanded such calls only happen using his cell phone when he was in the room to monitor what we said. Often he would manufacture reasons to cut their calls short, as he had always done even before the move. Sydney and Dani told me they could never express how they truly felt because he would punish them for almost anything they said.

CLICK "READ MORE" TO SEE MORE OF MY POST:

Random Memory #6: Abby at the Restaurant

Shortly before they moved to Kansas, my dad had a family dinner out at the Star of India restaurant in Salt Lake City. My dad, Angie, Syd, Dani, Abby, Angie's parents, and her three brothers were all there. (This actually happened during the same trip as the kissing incident).

At one point, someone noticed that Abby was squirming in her chair - a clear indication that she needed to go to the restroom. She had already graduated out of diapers and was potty training. She was almost three. When one of the girls said "I think Abby needs to go to the bathroom," my dad said he'd take her. Abby immediately started crying and screaming--signs that she didn't want him to take her. She reached for Angie and screamed, but Dad insisted that he be the only one to take her, even when Angie offered more than once to take Abby herself. Abby screamed all the way across the restaurant as he took her to the restroom, and I could hear her faint screams from behind the bathroom walls.

She looked distressed when he brought her back to the table afterward. Her eyes were all puffy from crying and she seemed more subdued and clingy toward us. I don't know what possible reason could my dad have had to not just let any one of us take her instead. There were nine other capable loved ones who could have taken Abby without giving her the distress she clearly felt. 

The reason I'm posting this memory is because this wasn't a one-time occurrence. Abby typically resisted going to my dad in this way, yet he would always insist that he had to be the one to take her. She seemed very traumatized and scared of him on many, many instances that the girls and I recall.

Obsessive Control: Isolation

Before I begin, I want to take a second to remind you all that I am Sydney and Dani's older sister. That sounds incredibly redundant, but you'd be surprised how many comments I see that try to disarm this blog. This blog is full of direct statements from those girls. I may have created it, but its use is to give these girls a voice. It is obvious who actually has their best interests in heart and really wants to know how they feel, based off of those people who support this site.

Below, I have listed a mere few examples of how my dad has mastered interfering with relationships, and specifically how he has managed to interfere with our relationship with our mother, as well as even between the three of us sisters.

It was obvious to the girls and I that dad sought to isolate us completely by seeking a job in and moving to Kansas. He moved my sisters in the middle of the school year, despite my dad's brother and his wife offering to let my sisters live with them at least until the end of the school year. They offered that to lessen the effects of the girls' traumatic situation, because even my dad's family was aware that those girls had already been through more traumatic, life-changing things than most other 13 and 15 year-olds. It's obvious to me that he didn't want my sisters having freedom to tell on him, or to see our mom more often before he moved them (for the full story leading up to their Kansas move, click here.)

He only allowed Syd and Dani to call Mom (and me) for 15 minutes one time per week, and only if he was there monitoring the call. He insisted they could only use his phone or his Skype account. If they were found to have texted our mom or communicated with her in any way without informing him, even if it was simply telling her how their day had been, he became infuriated with them (of course, our emails and phones were strictly monitored). We had to plug our phones in a separate room every night, where only Dad had access, and we couldn't even text Mom good night. 

Once he moved them to Kansas, Dad fought to make Sydney's and Dani's visits back to Mom difficult, expensive, and short. They only got about 4 total days over two visits to Utah between December and their summer visitation to Utah in June (that's four days over the course of six months).

His isolation tactics extended to even the smallest moments at his house both before and after he moved to Kansas. Dad forbade Sydney and Dani from hugging me after family prayers at bedtime, because he believed that they had been giving me longer hugs than they had been giving Angie. All three of us felt this type of controlling behavior was unfair and unreasonable. I can't hug my sisters?

Random Memory #2: Angie

I debated whether or not to include Angie in my descriptions of my dad's abuse tactics that we were all exposed to. But since the way he treated my stepmom was daily-occurring abuse that traumatized us all, I feel that I must. I hope that Angie understands my love and concern for her are what motivate my decision to post this. I know that she has been made to defend my dad during the public outcry that has come from the public scrutiny of our situation, and that she (or my dad using her Facebook account) has stated that I am "lying" about him and the abuse my baby sister endured. I cannot apologize for telling the truth, nor should I be made to. I completely understand her untenable position right now, and I fear for her safety more than ever, since I am certain my dad is raging about being exposed. She and Abby are the closest and easiest targets of his rage. It scares me so much for them. 

My dad treats Angie worst of all of us. Watching an adult in my home being physically, emotionally, and verbally abused has instilled intense insecurity, fear for her and for ourselves, and has caused me severe anxiety and distress that was constant during the time I lived with him. It was particularly difficult for me to see Angie being treated so poorly because it reminded me and kept fresh all of my trauma from watching him abuse and demean my mom while I was younger.

I have listed some of the many ways my dad publicly demeaned, controlled, and expressed anger toward Angie that my sisters and I have observed. I numbered them so that if anyone posts any questions about a specific item, they can refer to it in their comment:

1. Dad has slapped, been verbally abusive, and constantly been extremely cruel to our stepmom in front of us on a weekly basis, constantly making her cry.
2. He told Angie constantly that she doesn’t know what she’s doing as a parent like he does.
3. He told Angie that he knows how to raise Abby more than she ever will.
4. He lectured and berated Angie all the time for unusual things like setting her purse down the “wrong way.”
5. He never allowed Angie to take her purse or phone into public restrooms or other public places without him, like the time he wouldn’t let her take her purse and phone with her on the train at the zoo. He insisted she let him hold her purse or phone instead.
6. He would get mad at Angie if she didn’t back him up in his lectures, discipline, and in talking bad about our mom to us.