"Conflict Avoidant"

In a statement by Dr. Hyde in 2007, he spoke of testing he did on my mom (Michelle). He wrote,

"[o]ne of these tests, the MMPI-2, showed that she was conflict avoidant. I have found Michelle to be this way. She avoids conflict and contention."

My father (Brian) has always needed to have those closest to him--spouses and kids--be submissive to his control and abuse. When they try to assert their own will, he crushes them. I think that my father needs to be married to someone submissive in order to maintain the severe control he initiates, and afterward get away with the pain of the abuse he inflicts. 

Angie is conflict avoidant as well. Whenever I saw my mom or Angie try to exert a bit of autonomy or try to protect his children from the pain he inflicted, it led to huge fights and my dad would always, always increase his dominance and threatening behaviors until whoever stood up to him finally backed down. He does not tolerate push-back. My father is an abuser who demands absolute submission. 

"I Had No Idea"

Here is an excerpt from a letter my grandma Judy wrote to my mom's lawyer dated Oct 2, 2004:

"Today, 17 days after her telling me that Brian served her with divorce papers & filling me in with so much that happened since they got married -- I am still reeling. I had NO idea. She told us nothing. I always felt she was protecting him -- but I thought it was just from "little stuff" -- nothing so devastating & humiliating as what he has put her through. I honor her courage, persistence, devotion, love, & loyalty & her clear clear vision & desire to help another human being. I haven't had a clue, however, all this time, as to the horrendous struggle that has been taking place. Not only was this an incredibly negative situation, she received no support from his family, as they apparently blamed it on "relationship problems" & were unwilling to deal with their son on a deeper level. Michelle, incredible as it still is to  me, was always supportive -- 100% -- & only said good things about him. That's why this has all been such a shock to all of us."

My mom didn't want to tell her family and closest friends that she was an abused woman--just like so many other victims of domestic violence do.

Random Memory #9: Crimes Against Women 1

My dad often told my sisters and me detailed stories of crimes against women.

One time I remember him sitting us all down, saying “I need to tell you what happened on the news today.” He went on to describe a story about a pregnant woman who was befriended by another seemingly nice woman in a grocery store. Dad told us that when the stranger offered to help the pregnant lady out with her groceries, she got in the car with her afterward and “sliced the pregnant lady’s belly open." 

I started asking Dad if it was necessary for us to hear all the details. I asked him politely to stop. He didn't care. "Then," he continued, "Her bladder and guts spilled out of her and the lady ripped the baby out of her tummy, and cut the cord. Then she cut the lady and left her to bleed out in her car.” My dad discussed with us all possible reasons and thoughts the crazy lady might have had that made her decide to kill the pregnant woman.

I attempted to stop his story multiple times, saying “Dad, I don’t think we need to know about this to this extent. I don’t think Sydney and Dani should be hearing this. I’m uncomfortable – all of us are uncomfortable.”

But instead of stopping, Dad told me that we needed to hear this. When I asked why,he said “if you don’t know about all of this, then how are you going to know to defend yourself against all those crazy people?”

Anytime I questioned my father about telling such grisly and violent stories against women, he would give the reason that when me or my sisters encounter this stuff, we need to "be prepared."

These stories terrified us, and I would think that if he truly wanted to "prepare" us, he would teach us self-protection or put us in a class. Instead, he chose to tell us gory details that made us wonder why he was thinking about the story so much. And why on earth he felt he needed to share it with us in extreme violent detail. Telling us that we needed to know what happened to other women to be prepared for when it would happen to us petrified us!

Comment About Bear

This comment was left in response to my post about my dad throwing away my toddler sister's beloved Bear for a minor infraction when she was just two. I felt her comment was worth highlighting, with huge insight that both helps me personally and makes me want to wrap my sister up in my arms and protect her forever.

Response To A Tweet

My dad's supporters tweeted this on Friday, December 12, 2014: "mother loses custody girls go missing."

Mom lost custody of us four years ago. I think it's pretty lame to continue to try to paint this urgent situation as a mom losing custody and suddenly taking off with her children. If my mom had wanted to take the girls and run, she would have done so six years ago when she first sought to protect my sisters after we complained about his abuse, and after she had found the Roby Report which revealed my dad's psychosexual therapist recommended supervised visitation was safest for my sisters and me. It was obvious my mom wasn't trying to remove my dad's rights, because she always encouraged a SAFE relationship with our father from the moment she discovered (too late) that her children may be at risk without supervised visits with our dad.

Shame on all those who keep suggesting that my mom has kidnapped my sisters. My sisters were not kidnapped. They ran away, only after their safety was removed when the court dropped their temporary restraining order and delayed their day in court. The restraining order and a court date to determine a safer place to live were the only protections that stood between my sisters and our father, whom they had just accused of abuse.

If my mom is with my sisters, I know that it is because she legally has the right, and morally has the obligation, to protect her children from known abuse. I know that my father is abusive. My sisters and mother know that he is abusive. Our family therapist who knows Dad knows that he is abusive. Now we need the court to give us the chance to say why, officially, in court.

Where Is My Mom?

I've been getting a lot of questions and concern about the whereabouts of my mom, in addition to much speculation from supporters on both sides about whether or not I am worried about my mom who is also missing.

I hope that she is safe in a shelter where she and my sisters can remain free from abuse. As I have said before, I have never felt safer than when my sisters and I lived in a shelter with Mom. I want to believe my sisters have found a good shelter to live in until they can emerge once the courts have established official, permanent safety for them. I hope that they asked my mom to be with them to protect them until the court grants them official safety. I simply don't know where they are; I assume they kept me in the dark about their plans in order to protect me.

I hope and pray that the court hears our pleas and helps my sisters. I will keep trying to help them get heard. To do this, I need your help financially because it is expensive trying to get the courts to listen.

Thank You For Commenting!

photo credit: www.hallmark.com

I want to thank everyone for taking the time to offer words of support and encouragement to me and my sisters throughout the pages and posts of my blog. I feel that keeping the ability to comment anonymously helps people to open up to me--sometimes about their own experiences with abuse which I know are hard to share. Anonymity helps people who feel unsafe to feel safe enough to post comments. (To those who question why anyone would feel unsafe: there have been people followed, hacked, threatened with physical harm, threatened with prosecution and imprisonment for things they did not do, and supporters have been bullied and ridiculed extensively). To those of you brave enough to stick by my side despite such threatening behavior by my dad's supporters, I hope you are blessed for your kindness. Your loving support means the world to me as I navigate trying to help my sisters be heard.

An occasional comment will be held in moderation until I can copy it to its own post. So if you have posted a good comment and are confused why it hasn't appeared yet, please be patient! I will address you if and when I find the time and energy to draft a thoughtful post about your concerns.

To those few persons who have not seen your comment get posted, I want to let you know that your comment will not be posted if it contains words that minimize the abuse my sisters and I have experienced. I also refuse to post comments that minimize the abuse my stepmom or mom have experienced while being married to my father. I have zero interest in promoting in any way anyone's sly effort to shame the victims of my father, Brian, with attempts to make us doubt our memory or experience. I suspect that a person must be pretty far gone already to read about how my dad has treated Angie, Abby, my mom, Sydney, Danielle, and me and not see it for the blatant abuse and unrighteous dominion that it clearly is.

Please continue to share your thoughts and questions in comments to this blog. It not only helps encourage new ideas for posts--it also shows support to Sydney and Dani during this holiday season.

Love to you all,

Brittany Wolferts

Brian Wolferts

The following is documented on my Timeline tab. It is a compilation of experiences as told to me by Sydney and Dani, as well as my own words regarding our dad, Brian Wolferts:

As small children he would violently shake, shove, slap, throw, wrench our skin, pull our hair, jamb his elbow in to our abdomen and knock our heads with knuckles or thumb and forefinger, etc.

He often picks up my youngest sister Abby (who is 3 now) in a very unusual way by gripping his hands around her upper thighs and carrying her by her upper thighs in to her room, where he locks the door against anyone else entering.

We have seen him physically hurt her, and have seen many bruises on her upper thighs. We have been too afraid to take pictures because he always checks our phone and obsessively controls us in order to find out about every single thing we do or say.

When he takes her screaming into the room, locks the door, and prevents her mother and everyone else from entering, we have overheard a pattern of her going from 5 to 10 minutes of intense screaming to, about 15 seconds or more of abrupt silence, screaming again then silence, which is followed by a long period of crying. We have often wondered if it is possible for her to be dead during her sudden total silence after screaming only because we can’t think of anything that would cause her sudden silence. This has happened approximately 2 to 3 times a week beginning from around the time she was 1 and 1 1/2 years old, which would make it over 200 times.

He has slapped been verbally abusive and constantly been extremely cruel to our stepmom in front of us on a weekly basis, constantly making her cry.

During the approximate three months that he started constantly telling us in-depth details about Josh Powell he would obsessively describe disturbing details about the way Josh Powell’s mind worked, tell us in great detail about how Josh Powell thought, and give us many painstaking details about all the various kinds of tactics Josh Powell used. This was extremely uncomfortable for us because he was near precisely describing himself and the ways that he acted and thought.

He often performs an abusive or negative act, immediately claims that others have performed his acts, then pretends that he is being grievously victimized by those very people he has acted upon. He has convinced many people through this pretend victim acting.

He has brought up leaving the U S., and we are sure he is planning another move in the same way that he secretly planned to move us quickly away from Utah.

My dad's abuse has caused my sisters and I to experience physical damage through various illnesses and symptoms of prolonged emotional distress through: varying degrees of shock, nauseas, severe headaches, bed wetting, nightmares, Celiac’s Disease symptoms, flashbacks, and overwhelming desire for our lives to end—at times with an imminent threat of complete emotional breakdown.

Why I'm Worried About Abby

Sweet little Abby in summer 2013

One day sometime in 2012, Angie came home from the doctor and in an unguarded moment told me that Abby's doctor had examined Abby and told her that Abby limped because she had a problem with her hips caused by physical trauma of some kind - an injury she had not been born with. (Abby had been limping since she first started walking). Angie seemed confused about what kind of trauma Abby could have endured, guessing that perhaps Abby fell very hard at some point, but my sisters and I looked at each other and we knew immediately. Angie revealed that the doctor said Abby needed physical therapy to try to fix the problem, and if that didn't work, surgery would be necessary. There was even a long-term leg brace in question. 

When my dad came home from work and heard about the doctor's examination results, he pulled Angie into the bedroom and shut the door, where he berated her for discussing the details with us and must have told her to never talk about it any more to anyone. (I'm assuming he ordered her to never speak of it again, because of the fact that after he talked with her it was suddenly taboo for her or anyone else to make a single comment about Abby's limp/injury).

They started having a physical therapist come to the house to work with Abby, but they came only during school hours, or whenever Syd, Dani, and I weren't home. My dad wouldn't let anyone discuss even the physical therapy. One time I remember one of my sisters asking at dinner about how Abby's PT was going, and my dad silenced her and changed the subject before she got an answer. So we knew the subject was off limits.

The public scrutiny of our situation with our father has brought out much discussion that he clearly does not want to have. I'm worried about Abby because knowing what I know about the doctor's recommendations and Abby's physical therapy, the following contradictions coming from my dad and his supporters have me pretty convinced that something is wrong where Abby is concerned. I'm so worried about her.

CLICK "READ MORE" TO SEE THE REST OF WHY I'M WORRIED ABOUT ABBY:

The Past Ten Years (From a Child's Perspective)

On July 17, 2014, my two younger sisters ran away. That's the story that got so many people involved with my family's situation. But the story behind what happened this July has lasted over ten years... It's the story of my life.

When I was nine years old, my parents separated. I never understood what it was like to not live in constant fear of my father. I felt that I was living with a ticking time bomb, because if my sisters or I did things such as eat the wrong way or close a door wrong, he would become extremely aggressive towards us. He would hurt us physically by pinching and twisting skin, thumping on the head, yanking limbs, etc. He also attacked my mom if she did anything he disapproved of--and that could be literally anything. I saw him not only psychologically but physically abuse her, and that was so harmful to me. Up until the time of my parent's separation, I thought that's what dads were like. I thought being afraid of my dad was normal. Seeing the way he treated my mom, I learned to think that was just how fathers treated mothers. I was always confused when I went to my friend's houses and saw that their dads were loving and treated their wives and families with kindness and respect.

When my mom chose to leave late one night and take us to a shelter, I had never felt more safe and protected in my life.  I felt so happy because I was away from my dad. Being a nine year old girl, I wasn't sure if I should feel guilty for being so happy and not missing his presence. Knowing we were somewhere where he couldn't get to us made me feel so secure.

CLICK "READ MORE" TO SEE MORE OF MY POST:

Random Memory #6: Abby at the Restaurant

Shortly before they moved to Kansas, my dad had a family dinner out at the Star of India restaurant in Salt Lake City. My dad, Angie, Syd, Dani, Abby, Angie's parents, and her three brothers were all there. (This actually happened during the same trip as the kissing incident).

At one point, someone noticed that Abby was squirming in her chair - a clear indication that she needed to go to the restroom. She had already graduated out of diapers and was potty training. She was almost three. When one of the girls said "I think Abby needs to go to the bathroom," my dad said he'd take her. Abby immediately started crying and screaming--signs that she didn't want him to take her. She reached for Angie and screamed, but Dad insisted that he be the only one to take her, even when Angie offered more than once to take Abby herself. Abby screamed all the way across the restaurant as he took her to the restroom, and I could hear her faint screams from behind the bathroom walls.

She looked distressed when he brought her back to the table afterward. Her eyes were all puffy from crying and she seemed more subdued and clingy toward us. I don't know what possible reason could my dad have had to not just let any one of us take her instead. There were nine other capable loved ones who could have taken Abby without giving her the distress she clearly felt. 

The reason I'm posting this memory is because this wasn't a one-time occurrence. Abby typically resisted going to my dad in this way, yet he would always insist that he had to be the one to take her. She seemed very traumatized and scared of him on many, many instances that the girls and I recall.

Random Memory #4: Abby's Punishment

This was one of the first times I remember Angie completely disagreeing with dad’s “punishment methods” to Abby. I don’t remember what Abby was doing to be referred to as being “unreasonable,” I think she was just being a normal toddler and not wanting to get ready for bedtime. Dad had (and still has) a method of ripping Abby away from everyone, especially Angie, and going into another room to “calm her down.”

This happened on the evening of Oct 21st, 2012. As usual, Abby started screaming and sobbing much, much louder when he came for her, and Angie expressed that she didn’t think it was necessary to punish Abby that way. She (Angie) asked Dad to keep Abby with her or something, and he got very angry with Angie and said things that he often did: “I raised three daughters, I know what I’m doing” “I’ve been a parent before and you haven’t” “You don’t know how to calm her down” “Have you taken care of a baby before?” etc. Angie was actually adamant this time, which happened rarely, and again expressed her disagreement with Dad’s punishment method and didn’t think it was necessary. One of us, or all of us (I can’t remember) agreed and said we didn’t think Abby needed that, that she could calm down on her own. 

He was infuriated with Angie for standing up and with us for agreeing with her, and took Abby anyway. Abby screamed very loud as usual. It took a long time to hear dad stop yelling at Abby behind the door and for her to “calm down,” which meant for her to stop crying. (She basically stopped crying when she was too exhausted to cry any more). When he came out of the room, he had an attitude of “See? She calmed down. It worked.” He was still upset with Angie because we went along with her, and that night I heard him talking to Angie for a long time—at least an hour—very angrily to put her in her place. My bedroom was below theirs, and I heard her crying. 

The incident was minimized the next morning. On our way to school, Angie sent this text to all three of us from her work. We were surprised that she was taking so much fault, and I knew that Dad made Angie text us because of their talk the night before.

Good Morning Girls. Sorry if you overheard ur dad and I disagreeing about how to deal with Abby being unreasonable last night. I over reacted and said things I shouldn’t have, Abby was out of control and ur dad did a great job calming her down and getting her ready for bed despite her biting and smacking him like 50 times.  Ur dad is a great man and is very good with Abby even with her being very unreasonable. Please help support him getting Abby ready and out the door this morning. Thanks. Luv U! Have a great day.  Tues. Oct. 22, 2012 7:00am. 

Ur dad luvs and wants the best for all his girls and is committed to ur happiness and success.  Many men just get wrapped up in their own hobbies and interests but ur dad is directly involved in and genuinely interested in ur lives. U girls are blessed to have a father who loves you so much and has sacrificed so much for your happiness and success in life. ☺ Tues. Oct. 22, 2012 7:05am. 

Im moody and I often say and do things that are not reasonable and are rude or hurtful when I am hormonal. Sorry. Ur dad did a good job with Abby, im the problem. Tues. Oct. 22, 2012 7:05am.  [Spelling and grammar as in original text]

Photo credit: homegroup.org

Random Memory #2: Angie

I debated whether or not to include Angie in my descriptions of my dad's abuse tactics that we were all exposed to. But since the way he treated my stepmom was daily-occurring abuse that traumatized us all, I feel that I must. I hope that Angie understands my love and concern for her are what motivate my decision to post this. I know that she has been made to defend my dad during the public outcry that has come from the public scrutiny of our situation, and that she (or my dad using her Facebook account) has stated that I am "lying" about him and the abuse my baby sister endured. I cannot apologize for telling the truth, nor should I be made to. I completely understand her untenable position right now, and I fear for her safety more than ever, since I am certain my dad is raging about being exposed. She and Abby are the closest and easiest targets of his rage. It scares me so much for them. 

My dad treats Angie worst of all of us. Watching an adult in my home being physically, emotionally, and verbally abused has instilled intense insecurity, fear for her and for ourselves, and has caused me severe anxiety and distress that was constant during the time I lived with him. It was particularly difficult for me to see Angie being treated so poorly because it reminded me and kept fresh all of my trauma from watching him abuse and demean my mom while I was younger.

I have listed some of the many ways my dad publicly demeaned, controlled, and expressed anger toward Angie that my sisters and I have observed. I numbered them so that if anyone posts any questions about a specific item, they can refer to it in their comment:

1. Dad has slapped, been verbally abusive, and constantly been extremely cruel to our stepmom in front of us on a weekly basis, constantly making her cry.
2. He told Angie constantly that she doesn’t know what she’s doing as a parent like he does.
3. He told Angie that he knows how to raise Abby more than she ever will.
4. He lectured and berated Angie all the time for unusual things like setting her purse down the “wrong way.”
5. He never allowed Angie to take her purse or phone into public restrooms or other public places without him, like the time he wouldn’t let her take her purse and phone with her on the train at the zoo. He insisted she let him hold her purse or phone instead.
6. He would get mad at Angie if she didn’t back him up in his lectures, discipline, and in talking bad about our mom to us.

Random Memory #1: Bear

I remember this like it happened yesterday. Abby, my youngest sister, was only two. I was sitting at our kitchen table, and I watched the entire thing. 

Dad got upset at Abby for doing something normal for a two-year-old, like spilling on the kitchen floor. He picked her up roughly by the outer arms clenched against her little body, and barked at her “I’m going to get Bear and throw her away, and you’re never going to see her again!” She started sobbing and begging him... “No, no, no...!” Bear was this huge, soft, white stuffed animal bear that Abby had had her entire life. She hadn’t slept a night of her existence without it. He went upstairs to her room, brought it downstairs, and held it up above her, demanding, “Do you want to see Bear go bye-bye FOREVER?” This made her cry and plead more, and when she was absolutely hysterical he made her watch him shove it down into the trash. I remember him saying, “You’re never seeing Bear ever again because of what you did.” She fell to the ground sobbing and screaming hysterically. 

I didn’t understand why he had to build up the anxiety like that. The way he did away with Bear was very threatening and traumatic. He obviously wanted my sister to be as traumatized as possible. When she'd cry for her bear in the days after the event, my dad told us we weren't allowed to talk about it. She was depressed about her companion animal “dying” for months.

Photo credit: etnat.com

New Q&A Page!

I just added a new Q&A Page to the blog (found in the row of tabs across the top of my blog). It contains a few of the questions and concerns I've seen posted by many of you across various Facebook pages. Please feel free to ask me any further questions in the comments here or on my page, and I will be happy to answer.

As always, I appreciate your concern on behalf of me and my family. I look forward to finding a resolution to my sisters' safety.

Thanks,

Brittany

Documents Page

FYI,

I have added a new documents page to the list of Pages found at the top of my blog, to help you become informed with actual supporting documents relating to the history of the court struggles with my dad. Please go through it. Reading the documents will help you to see why I am continuing to fight to protect all of my sisters. I will add more applicable documents as they get found.

Here are the links you will find today on my Documents Page:


Roby Report Complete April 2003

Dr Harnsberger Diagnosis Sydney Celiac 12 Sep 2007

Letter from Dr Hyde re Michelle 21 May 2007