February 26, 2015

"Conflict Avoidant"

In a statement by Dr. Hyde in 2007, he spoke of testing he did on my mom (Michelle). He wrote,
"[o]ne of these tests, the MMPI-2, showed that she was conflict avoidant. I have found Michelle to be this way. She avoids conflict and contention."
My father (Brian) has always needed to have those closest to him--spouses and kids--be submissive to his control and abuse. When they try to assert their own will, he crushes them. I think that my father needs to be married to someone submissive in order to maintain the severe control he initiates, and afterward get away with the pain of the abuse he inflicts. 

Angie is conflict avoidant as well. Whenever I saw my mom or Angie try to exert a bit of autonomy or try to protect his children from the pain he inflicted, it led to huge fights and my dad would always, always increase his dominance and threatening behaviors until whoever stood up to him finally backed down. He does not tolerate push-back. My father is an abuser who demands absolute submission. 

I am conflict avoidant, too. I try to remain non-contentious and peaceful (I've witnessed enough contention and anger emanating from my dad to last three lifetimes). I strongly desire peace and tranquility in my life going forward through what I've experienced. Sometimes, though, it is right and just to stand up and defend those who are being tortured and hurt. Sometimes it's important to defend others, even if it appears as being "contentious" to others. 

My mom chose to defend us, and that led to many people--including the courts--who made her pay for daring to speak up and be a protective mother (a "momma bear", if you will). People like my father rely on the discomfort society has with women who speak up for themselves. He also relies on the discomfort society has with hearing details about abuse. It's simply another tool he utilizes. 

He has let me know since I was born--just as he has with Sydney, Dani and now Abby--that he is capable of hurting us if we cross him. All of us were always too scared of his frightening rages to take out our phones and call the police or call for help during moments of abuse we witnessed. This is because he knows how to be so frightening that his victims take the blame for and make excuses for HIS severe punishments he inflicted on themI'm incredulous that my dad can make the victims of his own abuse feel like the evil ones for naming/pointing out what he has done. 

I can't begin to describe how badly I wish that one of us had called the police at some point throughout all the memories of abuse. The times such as when he hurt us physically as children, tried to push my mom down a flight of stairs, relentlessly attacked his second wife Angie verbally and made her break down into sobs, or made us listen to our baby sister's screams behind locked doors. 

I persist despite my fear of contention because it is the right thing to do. I fight to help my sisters be heard because they deserve to have a life where my father can't hurt them any more. I believe he intentionally withholds offering my sisters safe asylum in order to continue his ongoing emotional abuse of them and attempt to cover all he's done. By doing this and fighting to have the court remove their temporary restraining order that helped them feel some semblance of safety, my father has essentially continued his psychological abuse of them for seven months now. Please, please help raise awareness of their situation. 


  1. When my abusive ex took me to family court, seeking sole custody of the children he relentlessly abused, the only way he could discount the abuse allegations was to claim that I am mentally ill, and so delusional that I invented these incidents. So the Court orders a round of psych testing for us both. I was found to be extremely passive and conflict avoidant. Compare that to his results - personality disorder, aggression, anger problems. Seriously, if you put the results side by side, you get a good picture of what is happening in our family.
    So sorry for all you have been thru.