My dad would touch Angie’s crotch in the presence of us kids, and he did so multiple times when my sisters and I were in the same room to witness it. When we first started living with my dad, and had every-other-weekend visits with our mom, there were instances where he would touch Angie inappropriately in front of us. When it first started happening (even before he had custody) I would turn a blind eye out of disgust and give him the benefit of the doubt. I kept telling myself, He doesn’t know we’re watching, and I'd keep hoping it were true.
But whenever I saw him touching Angie there, I felt extremely uncomfortable, and I knew that after a couple years of it happening that my dad was completely aware of our consciousness to those actions. He wasn’t oblivious. Most of the time it was when we were all in the living room, sitting down to a movie or TV. I’d try to pretend like I didn’t see anything when I'd see him doing it... But knowing it wasn’t right, I ended up telling one of the DCFS workers involved in my mom’s visits. I’m not sure if the worker contacted my father, or what happened, but he stopped after that.
My dad also seemed to enjoy telling us sexual details of his sex life for his own enjoyment. One day, at the dining table, Dad was determined to tell my sisters and me what sex was like. In particular, how their (his and Angie’s) sex was. Angie was present in the beginning of the conversation, but left partway through, and that’s when my dad went into further detail. (To this day, I'm not sure if she left out of discomfort or if she felt it wasn't appropriate. I have always wondered.)
Due to the sickened feelings this discussion caused, my mind has blocked out much of what was said. As hard as I’ve tried, I remember hardly any of the exact commentary, because I was so disturbed by the entire thing. I remember that he was talking about how good it felt to have sex with Angie, and that having sex was an enjoyable experience filled with lots of pleasure.
Sydney and Dani were so uncomfortable that I could see them physically squirm as he talked. Even as I write this, I can feel my stomach rising up my throat, making me want to vomit. He went on and on, and as usual when we asked him to stop, he only pushed further.
When we asked him to stop again, he said 'What? Don't tell me you girls don't need to know about this. Because you do.' And treated us as if we'd asked for this conversation, while we silently prayed for him to stop.
He wanted us to hear what he was saying and visualize their sex for reasons that I don't even want to imagine. To be honest, recently discovering that my dad admits to being aroused by 6 year olds and admits to having "a history of sexual contact with a child" only validates the disturbed feelings I already got from him.
Sydney and Dani confided in me that they felt utterly violated about the discussion. Multiple times, when he did these kinds of things, they expressed emotions of fear and physical nausea. They told me they felt uneasy about living with a man who seemed to have a continued desire to make us feel sexual discomfort. None of us could understand it.
I can't describe how difficult it is for me to recount these kinds of experiences I went through. For me to go back to those places of fear and disgust and disturbance.
I try to describe these memories with as much detail as possible because of the many people involved who deserve to know the truth. It's difficult to try to recount experiences that have caused trauma in my life only to have people tell me I am making something out of nothing, or that I'm making everything up. I am not doing either. These are memories of events that took place in my life, and I have the right to speak out about the life I endured with my father for three years at the side of my sisters, who lived with him for another year after I left. There is too much at stake for my sisters if they are put back in that harmful environment.