January 19, 2015

Dad's Attempts At Alienation

My dad (Brian Wolferts) sought my total isolation from my mother and anyone in her life, hoping that I would discover for myself his idea that my mom (Michelle) was “mentally ill” and “damned.” It was obvious to me that he needed me to have as little time as possible with my mother in order to make his implanted ideas stick easier, because the reality of time with my mom was completely opposite to what he kept repeating about her.

He told me the only way that I would discover for myself that she's "mentally ill" is if I cut off every tie not only with mom, but with her family, her friends, anyone in any of my wards I’ve lived in, anyone from her work field or people she knows from the ward, etc. For me to even begin to know "what she’s done, and the kind of person she really is". Because “they’ll all defend her because she’s got them thinking she’s the victim.” He would also tell us that she wasn't a good mother, and didn't really love us because of the way she tried to destroy our relationship with him. I have endured countless hours of my dad railing and lecturing us about our mom about all these things and many, many more. Yet she never tried to alienate us from him like he claims. I find it absolutely mind-boggling how much he accuses her now of doing the exact things he has done my entire life. I'm thankful that his attempts to alienate me from my mom didn't work.

When I say his attempts to alienate me from her 'didn't work,' I mean that they didn't keep me from wanting a relationship with her. I'm very thankful for that. But I didn't survive his alienation attempts without being affected. Dad tried as hard as he could to make us hate our mom. He found every excuse possible to sneak my mother into every subject, whether it was suggesting how awful a driver she was to accusing her of being mentally unstable and unfit to raise us. He always spoke negatively about our mom to us, and it was apparent that our dad wanted us to hate her. He incessantly channeled rage and abhorrence at us in hopes that we would channel it to her--it was apparent to me that the end goal of his raging to us was to get to Mom. It seems he wanted us to blame her for our pain he was causing us. It hurt us to have him talking about her so horribly (and I think it hurts any child to hear any parent talking bad about the other).

We knew Dad was not telling the truth. My sisters and I lived with our mom for six years, then visited her for the remaining four, and we never heard a negative remark against my father from my mom, even when we cried to her about the scary things he was saying and doing. She was gentle and kind our whole lives. I knew that his attempts to make us believe something untrue about Mom were wrong. The bad things my dad kept trying to convince us Mom was doing were almost verbatim what he was doing and had been doing for years. 

It was easy to not internalize the falsehoods about my mom, because there was such a stark contrast between her true self and what Dad kept trying to make us believe about her. With that being said, though: there were times that it seemed that it would be so much easier to earn our dad's love and stop his attacks if we started hating her, but we knew it wasn't right to hate our mom, and we didn't want to! All of this constant negativity toward my mom that my dad openly fostered ever since they first separated brought us all immense internal pain. 

In my personal experience (and I know Sydney and Dani feel the same way) I didn't want to be a vessel that channeled my dad's hatred to our mom--or anyone else for that matter--and so I turned the hatred inward. It seemed like the solution at first, but it didn't take much time to wear on me. My self-esteem, my faith in my talents, my belief that I was a good person--all of that began to decay. I've thought a lot about it, and I think that my dad fosters the idea in all of the people he lives with that they somehow deserve the horrible treatment he inflicts upon them. Because people with little or no self-esteem don't fight back. 

What motivates him to do this?
I believe that my dad has always been someone who accuses others of the behavior that he himself has exhibited. He has always sought to paint my mom in a bad light and sought to get us to believe that she wanted us to hate him when it was perfectly clear to us that he wanted US to hate HER.  Another motivation he might have to claim my mom has sought to alienate us is because he has known all along that my mom knows him and all his problems intimately. She KNOWS him. He did many of his worst abuses to her or to us in front of her. I witnessed his abuses firsthand, and some of them I only recently discovered when a box of old documents was found.

If I were a mom who wanted to protect her children from a possible predator (who should be a trusted adult in their world, but instead is a risk to children), I would have a very difficult time making sure I didn't alienate my kids. I don't know how my mom did it. I know it must have been hard for her. I look back on all the many times we would come home from the weekend at Dad's, and as soon as we were safe at home our walls would come down. We would be crying and emotionally drained, and we would talk to our mom about everything. Many times, I recall her saying things such as "I know it's hard, but look at the bright side, girls." When the time came for our next visit with him, and we expressed that we didn't want to go, she would say things like, "I'm sure your dad has something really fun planned!" And "It's only a weekend. Try to enjoy your time with him."

We would also beg her to tell us what was going on in the courts, because all we knew about the courts came from Dad's rants, and he would say a lot of scary things such as, "The courts are on my side" "The courts are going to punish your mom" "I'm the only one keeping them from throwing your mom in jail". As a young child, those things were terrifying! We would beg Mom to tell us what was really going on, hoping and praying that what he was terrorizing us with wasn't true. "I don't know why he's saying that. That isn't going to happen," she would say gently. "Then what IS going on?" We would ask, and she would say she couldn't tell us, though she wished she could. I know for a fact that the officials tell parents to keep their children out of the court conflict, which is what my mom did, and what my dad definitely didn't do.

My dad would say the reason why my mom was hated by the courts was because "she keeps fighting me". The irony to that was that we earnestly begged our mom to constantly keep fighting for us. There were a few times my mom sat us down and said, "Girls, I want you to know that I want you to live where you want to. If you want to live with your dad, I would miss you, but it would be okay with me. I just want you to be happy." We were disgusted and flinched at the very thought, and reminded her of all the ways we didn't feel comfortable or safe around Dad, and that we never wanted to live with him! Although we would ask her to never give up fighting for us, it gave me comfort to know that we were living with the parent who wanted peace.

My dad will continue to try to blame our feelings toward him on my mom alienating us, because he will never want to face (nor have others see) that HIS choices and actions and words are the reason for any distance in our relationship with him. It doesn't have anything to do with Mom; it has everything to do with his decisions to try to alienate us and constantly hurt us. He can't hide his true self from the people who have lived with him. He seeks to hide his true self from everyone on the outside, and wants always to get away with the bad things he does. The only way to do this is to call liars any people willing to expose him.

21 comments:

  1. I think it is clear what motivates your abusive dad to try to alienate you from your parent who seeks to protect you from his advances and from his abuse. It is his only option for keeping his victims within reach. Courts fall for it because domestic violence victims often come across less believable than the aggressive, confident, controlling abusers who lie easily and with great charm.

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    1. I've definitely always felt that I would indeed "never be listened to" like my dad told me, because of that reason. He comes across as a confident, straightforward adult, and he knows what he's doing. I've become stronger, but it's sad to see courts falling for it left and right.

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  2. I believe you, Brittany. It never made sense to me that three daughters of one man who are as old as you and your sisters could be compelled to believe that many specific details through brainwashing. If Brian was a loving, non-threatening parent, then it would be impossible to convince three teenage girls to believe this many abusive things if they never happened. Especially if they lived with Brian primarily for the past four years. It just doesn't add up. But an abusive man who admitted to being a pedophile, who had that many affairs, who has some very serious issues with regard to sexual behavior, who was found to be abusive by DCFS in 2005? He has every reason to try to tell everyone that his daughters who say he's abusive are liars. It's not difficult to see the truth at all.

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    1. I can't tell you how relieving those first three words are. "I believe you" helps me remember that I'm not alone, and that my words and work isn't going unnoticed. Thank you so much! I'm so grateful that the truth is clear to you.

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  3. This is AWFUL!! This is truly light for dark, and dark for light, the way he is twisting it all backwards!.
    My father alienated us while he was still married to our mother, after I tried to report him and failed at 13. He would sit me down and tell me how every problem in my life was caused by my mothers abuses. My main support system was my sisters, so when they jumped on my dads side I went with them. He used us to control our mother and keep her from divorcing him. By the time I left his home I firmly believed all the abuses came from my mother. I wasted 10 years trying to figure out how my mother caused my PTSD. It is AMAZING the power of influence an abusive father has.
    It is wonderful that you girls fought against his manipulations, that you saw the truth in your mother. It is wonderful your mother was there to comfort and understand you. It is so sad you had to endure so many years of your fathers manipulations because the courts were playing games.

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    1. I'm really grateful that my sisters and I were able to hold on. I think it helped that I was the oldest, because I know how younger siblings look up to & follow their lead.
      It's amazing the power of an abusive father, and also alienation!! It was difficult to resist the temptation of just agreeing with him, EVEN though we knew what he was saying was untrue. Just to get a taste of relief.
      What hurts the most are all these PAS supporters claiming that alienation was my mom's form of abuse to us. It is sooo opposite that it's not even funny.
      We were very blessed to have such a forgiving and kind mother.

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    2. Yes, I think you are right! I am glad you pointed it out. It helped that you held strong through all the manipulations. It helps that you support your sisters. In this messed up crazy world they have you and your mothers examples to give them security and strength. I feel that is VERY significant!!

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  4. I believe you, too, Brittany!! I don't know you. Have never met you, but through prayer--I know you're being honest. I know you're hurt. I know you're missing your mom and sisters, even Abby. I know you're mad at your dad, we all are. I know you're frustrated and trying to stay positive.
    God hears you. He hears your plea and He gives your sisters and your mom peace that this will all be okay soon. I know He is protecting them. Just keep praying that angels will surround them, and Abby, keeping them safe from harm. The house Brian lives in needs to be blessed.

    Keep asking your fiance to give you blessings. You will bond and find peace together.

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    1. Anonymous, thank you thank you thank you! Like I said above, those three words mean everything to me. I'm grateful that you have reached your conclusions with prayer. I feel like so many people are jumping on this without involving peace and the spirit in their decision.
      I've gained a testimony that God hears me, which is a huge comfort. Really all that matters in the end is what He is aware of, and His perfect judgement and timing. Having faith in that has truly kept me going. Thank you for your lovely words!

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  5. WOW almost 1000 people viewing this page per day!! That's amazing. Your dad must be feeling pretty exposed about now. If not, he will soon because page views are growing every day.

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    1. I BELIEVE YOU... as many other do... Remember, you are NOT alone. Strength in numbers.... Stand for truth and righteousness.... Satan is strong on your tail on this one, But You have Heavenly Father and his Team on your side... Its just a matter of time... I believe your mum is 100% well. If anything she is hurt, sad, broken hearted, grieving... Last I heard that is nowhere near mental illness. People like your father use isolation and defamation to break them down and build himself up. Fact is, the truth shall one day be revealed. Hold your mother tight. Tell her you love her and believe in her. Soon, she will have you all in her arms because that is the right thing to do. Im so proud of you for opening your mouth.... Shout from the tree tops and roof tops. Silencing is power to abusers.... Proud of the wonderful honest, strong you show your sisters. Bless you all, with love Esther...... I believe , because i too am in your shoes..... One day i too shall have my family back and i too will be fro x x x x

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    2. I agree!!! Don't let your dad silence you. This isn't you defaming him, this is you defending your mothers honor. I happen to have seen his initial facebook post which is what drew me to this case. He posted that your mother had isolated you girls and brain washed you. I KNEW better. I immediately looked into it. Anyone with a brain see's what is going on.

      Good luck!!!

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    3. To Esther: thank you so much for your touching words. You seem like a wonderful person who has been through some difficult things and have risen above them!

      To anon: Thank you so much!! Ah I can't tell you how relieving it is to know that I'm not the only one who can see through his story. I knew that because I grew up with him, I could pick up on it, but it's amazing that others can too. It makes me feel less alone.

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  6. I have been in your mom's shoes. I chose to divorce my very abusive husband. Little did I know what a nightmare it would turn out to be. Keep the faith and keep fighting him for your sisters. I KNOW I finally got my children away from him...not soon enough for my oldest son who suffers terrible mental health issues now from the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father who was supposed to protect him. KEEP FIGHTING. Good luck!

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    1. I am so sorry for your experiences and especially for your oldest son's suffering. I think it takes experiencing a certain kind of pain to see it manifested in other's. Thank you for your motivational words! I'm planning on fighting for them as long as I need to.

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  7. Saw the show. It was clear they edited it to make Brian seem like a victim. I read that Brian is an admitted Pedo... so disgusting.

    They are so sweet to say they will forgive him. Wondering why his pedophilia habits weren't brought up on the show??

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    1. They sure edited a lot out of the show! It was obvious to me that they were going to spin the story however they liked. They only showed a portion of what was brought up (and even then, Dr. Phil steered clear of many topics.)

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    2. That disgusts me!! I used to be such a huge Dr.Phil fan. I know the story, so I could see how he was trying to make it entertainment. He seemed to relate to your dad a lot, which is scary. Also that he said, "do I think you're a good dad, husband, etc... NO...but the same could be said about me." Why would he say that?

      After knowing your dad is a pedophile, I'm confused as to why he'd compare himself to Brian.

      You did great. You looked hurt and I could tell that you were feeling his "be quiet" vibes he was sending you. He looked like he wanted to jump up and smack you. It scared me. Anytime you spoke, his eyes became fierce... he wanted to be SURE the show was run a certain way. I hope Dr. Phil will fix this. Completely disgusted with the edit job. YOU, on the other hand, stayed classy and held your composure.

      We are rooting for you girls.

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  8. Keep going Brittany! We believe you, and we believe IN you.

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  9. Your father sounds like a master of projection. He can't handle taking responsibility for his behavior so he deals with his feelings of guilt by placing blame onto someone else.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection

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