December 4, 2014

Random Memory #3: Child Pornography

One evening, when I was getting ready to go out with friends, my dad called me up to his room for a discussion. I assumed he wanted to ask me what we were going to do, but I was totally unprepared in every way for the conversation that was about to take place.

When I went upstairs to my dad, he started talking about child porn, which was totally random and out of the blue. He said, “A ring of people who made child pornography was busted, right here in Utah Valley.”

“Wow dad,” I said, “that’s crazy.”

“Yeah,” He responded, “And what’s crazy is that these people have made thousands of videos of doing things to children, and even just in regular homes like ours.”

I began to feel nervous. Knowing how my dad would tend to get stuck on subjects that made me feel uncomfortable or violated, I tried to change the subject as quickly as possible, but I knew he was set on talking about this as long as possible.

“Do you know what child pornography is, Brittany?”

I looked at him with disgust, knowing full well that he was going to prey on my purity in that moment. He looked back at me with a smirk in his eyes. I felt him watching me grow uneasy, as much as I tried to hide it.

“I feel like I know enough about it to understand that it’s bad,” I said, praying he’d spare me his description.

“You need to understand how it works.”

“I don’t need to know any more than I do,” I attempted to shut down the conversation once more. My stomach and chest were heavy with dread. He completely ignored my response, and continued:

“What happens is that adults will take children, as young as Abby’s age, and perform sexual acts with them…”

“Dad, I don’t want to hear this”—

“--The adults can be about Angie’s and my age. Can you even imagine someone my age doing that with Abby?”

I was filled with abhorrence and felt nauseous at the mere thought. Beyond the fact that he was ‘teaching’ me about child pornography, he was trying to put an image in my mind that he knew would make me squirm with distress. He was referring to my baby sister, Abby, being a subject of child porn. And the way he worded it, about the adults being his age… It put an image of him doing something like that with Abby into my mind, which repulsed me. I was tormented with a disturbing image that I didn’t conjure on my own.

“No, I can’t even imagine. Dad, that’s awful. Why do you think you need to tell me this? I don’t want you to tell me all this!” Inside, I was screaming. I wanted to leave the room, but I knew he wouldn’t let me.

“Sometimes, people will be hired to come in. But that’s not always the case--sometimes, it will even be a parent to their child.”

I felt the need to vomit.
I was sickened that he was trying to taint me and plant indecent images in my mind. His inappropriate behaviors made me feel impure through no fault of my own. I prayed to god in my mind to make my dad stop. The feeling in the room was dark and heavy, and it was emulating from my dad. “Dad, stop!” I said as firmly as I could. He seemed pleased with the amount of pain he’d caused me, and the inappropriate sexual acts that he’d forced into my mind without actually showing me porn on a screen. I wondered why he had such a desire to talk to me about this, and I wondered why he seemed so interested in child pornography or how he knew so much.

He didn’t entirely stop on the subject; he let the images he created settle. He talked to me about the next steps in the process; how people then distribute the images of the children across the internet, and how it is so widely accessible. He seemed adamant about telling me that it is a very large company that will only continue growing, and that a lot of it is filmed right here in Utah.

I felt that my purity was compromised because I repeatedly asked my father to stop talking about something that made me very uncomfortable, and he denied me the choice to not listen to something that was harmful to me. He made me feel that I was thinking perverted thoughts, when they came from him putting them there.


After 20-30 minutes, which felt like an eternity, I reinforced that I had no interest in the conversation and was sickened by it. He seemed proud of the way he made me feel; it was like he was gloating.

He finally let me leave the room.  
Afterward, I felt sick with repugnance and I was exhausted. I want so badly to forget about everything he told me about child pornography, and yet I can't. Just writing this out makes me feel sick.


I feel the need to add that going back to these memories is extremely painful, and as I stated before, sickening. I had hoped that I would only have to endure it once, but in order to write it out I have to put myself back to that dark place. Anyone who is invested in this case in any way deserves the truth. I'm grateful to those who have been supportive, and those who have donated. I will be posting financial updates as they come. I'm also so grateful for all the prayers on the girls' behalf.

Love to all,

Brittany

6 comments:

  1. How. How do you do this to a child. Talking to them about stranger danger isn't the same thing as saying "Hey imagine me doing vile things to your sister and distributing it to a large corporation!!" with glee.
    What a WEIRDO he is. He isn't sick. He is evil. Sick assumes he has no control or forethought. His perversion in calculated and planned. He needs to be behind bars and I know he will be. There are too many of us working toward that end.
    I'm SO sorry you had to grow up with this monster. Truly. You are a warrior Brittany. Keep speaking out. There are many people praying for yours, and your sisters healing and safety.
    I feel sorry for the people supporting him who have to stand before God one day and explain how they HELPED this evil person be around children.

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  2. kari Morgan12/4/14, 9:33 PM

    This is a conversation that was completely repulsive. It is one thing to warn our children ofthe dangers of pornography but no excuse to even bring up this subject. How sad he put that image in your mind, and to use your baby sister for an example? He would have to have had those images in his mind first to relay the example to you. Your father is sick and needs help!


    incredibly strange and knows better. I am so sorry Brittany you had your thoughts polluted by him. As a parent my greatest desire is to reserve my childrens innocence, especially a father for his daughters. He is sick and this will lead to more acts of innapropriatness

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  3. There are things that are so horrifying and disgusting in the world... that need awareness, but not in this way. Children need to be aware that images they send/receive can be spread around the internet. They need to know that strangers should never touch them... that if they spend the night at a friends house--that they should never go anywhere alone with someone's parent. That sometimes parents hurt their own kids and to report anything you see/hear to a teacher. It is GOOD to make our children aware of these things--but absolutely... under no circumstances does a child need to stand at attention and listen to the process in which child porn happens. I found out how the process works when I was about 20. Someone told me and I was so disturbed I couldn't sleep. It still REALLY bothers me and upsets me. If my father was the one who told me these things, I would absolutely be scarred for life. If he compared the situation to my baby sister... and used "someone his age" as an example... I'd be mortified beyond repair.

    He is probably reading your blog. Probably trying to find ways to shut it down, but your voice is being heard and his actions will receive the justice they deserve. If not in this life, Heavenly Father will surely correct him.

    I pray for your safety and I cannot believe the people supporting him either.

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  4. Hi Brittany, I have to comment on this one. Kari is right. The discussion was premeditated and he had the thoughts in his head prior to describing the scenario to you. Strangely--he was speaking to a child (you at the time) yet specifically used Abby as an example. He has three other children, yet he chose to use Abby as an example, when truthfully--the topic includes children from age 0-17. He could have used any age as an example, but he chose Abby's age--and it sounds like she is about the age of your sisters when they started showing signs of abuse. You perfectly explain how uncomfortable you felt and I feel uncomfortable for you. Even as an adult and parent myself--if my dad mentioned these things, I would probably question his integrity and intentions immediately and start taking note of any odd behavior. It sounds like this wasn't new behavior though, but another example of how he crossed the line by a long shot. Someone else commented that the type of abuse that doesn't leave a bruise is hard to prove and while I agree, I want you to know that the things you describe are very real and any normal person can see that you are being truthful. Someone leaving a bruise IS physical abuse, but bruises HEAL. Someone planting a poisonous seed into your brain and excitedly watching it grow into deep roots of pain and terror, is someone who needs to be put away so that he cannot hurt anyone else. How can Angie sleep knowing her husband looks at his daughters that way? You girls have clearly screamed out for help. You've clearly said, "He makes us feel incredibly uncomfortable, sexually" ... truthfully, she probably IS worried about it, but doesn't know what to do. Many men who are in techy positions are up WAY too late in front of a computer and they have access to a world most of us don't have access to. He also knows how to remove the evidence... so he feels it's your word against his as you don't have evidence. The Lord knows. He sees. Any man who entertains the thought or views it, or describes in detail to a CHILD the lewd acts done to another child, is not a man of God.

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  5. Although this post is disturbing, it speaks volumes in another way. It has been said that Brian is very good at projection. Projection is defined as a defense mechanism that involves taking our own unacceptable qualities or feelings and ascribing them to other people. Although in this conversation he is not directly projecting his feelings or actions onto Brittany, but more indirectly. Isn't it interesting how in detail he describes the workings of child porn and uses his own family as examples? Is he projecting himself in this example? Could it be that his statements are an admission with involvement in child porn? Just something to consider. Stay strong Brittany and remember you're supported and loved beyond comprehension.

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  6. *TriggerAlert*

    What Brittany is describing In this conversation is clearly "grooming". I believe her. I believe her sisters. I am praying for all.

    If the general population don't understand how broken the CPS & Family courts are, Google CPS corruption. Is it corruption or ignorance? Probably six of one & half a dozen of the other.

    I find this situation & many others so disheartening. I believe them. When child pornography is a 2 BILLION dollar a year industry, I believe them. The children in the pictures & videos are SOMEONE'S children & they are not from a third-world country.

    What the sources responsible for gathering statistics are finding the difference in gathering statistics, is the victims are becoming younger.

    I post the current cases of child exploitation from the FBI on my Twitter account & with the exception of one day, there are THREE new ones a day, five days a week. I've been posting them for monthmen old men, young men, women. Tens of thousands of videos & MILLIONS of pictures. Videos with extreme violence & the rape of children. Videos depicting the murder of children which are worth a great deal of money.

    I just posted of a family of 11 involved in a pedophile ring. ELEVEN in one family. I recently posted of 7-8 police officers who did NOT investigate over 1100 (ELEVEN HUNDRED) cases of child molestation. The spokesperson for the dept. said he did not understand why or how this could be because these were not unseasoned officers.

    I said all of that to say this: The system is broken. The system which is suppose to protect OUR children. Yours. Mine. The children our children & grandchildren go to school with. These girls deserve for us to believe them. They deserve our support physically, emotionally & financially.

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