Random Memory #3: Child Pornography

One evening, when I was getting ready to go out with friends, my dad called me up to his room for a discussion. I assumed he wanted to ask me what we were going to do, but I was totally unprepared in every way for the conversation that was about to take place.

When I went upstairs to my dad, he started talking about child porn, which was totally random and out of the blue. He said, “A ring of people who made child pornography was busted, right here in Utah Valley.”

“Wow dad,” I said, “that’s crazy.”

“Yeah,” He responded, “And what’s crazy is that these people have made thousands of videos of doing things to children, and even just in regular homes like ours.”

I began to feel nervous. Knowing how my dad would tend to get stuck on subjects that made me feel uncomfortable or violated, I tried to change the subject as quickly as possible, but I knew he was set on talking about this as long as possible.

“Do you know what child pornography is, Brittany?”

I looked at him with disgust, knowing full well that he was going to prey on my purity in that moment. He looked back at me with a smirk in his eyes. I felt him watching me grow uneasy, as much as I tried to hide it.

“I feel like I know enough about it to understand that it’s bad,” I said, praying he’d spare me his description.

“You need to understand how it works.”

“I don’t need to know any more than I do,” I attempted to shut down the conversation once more. My stomach and chest were heavy with dread. He completely ignored my response, and continued:

“What happens is that adults will take children, as young as Abby’s age, and perform sexual acts with them…”

“Dad, I don’t want to hear this”—

“--The adults can be about Angie’s and my age. Can you even imagine someone my age doing that with Abby?”

I was filled with abhorrence and felt nauseous at the mere thought. Beyond the fact that he was ‘teaching’ me about child pornography, he was trying to put an image in my mind that he knew would make me squirm with distress. He was referring to my baby sister, Abby, being a subject of child porn. And the way he worded it, about the adults being his age… It put an image of him doing something like that with Abby into my mind, which repulsed me. I was tormented with a disturbing image that I didn’t conjure on my own.

“No, I can’t even imagine. Dad, that’s awful. Why do you think you need to tell me this? I don’t want you to tell me all this!” Inside, I was screaming. I wanted to leave the room, but I knew he wouldn’t let me.

“Sometimes, people will be hired to come in. But that’s not always the case--sometimes, it will even be a parent to their child.”

I felt the need to vomit.
I was sickened that he was trying to taint me and plant indecent images in my mind. His inappropriate behaviors made me feel impure through no fault of my own. I prayed to god in my mind to make my dad stop. The feeling in the room was dark and heavy, and it was emulating from my dad. “Dad, stop!” I said as firmly as I could. He seemed pleased with the amount of pain he’d caused me, and the inappropriate sexual acts that he’d forced into my mind without actually showing me porn on a screen. I wondered why he had such a desire to talk to me about this, and I wondered why he seemed so interested in child pornography or how he knew so much.

He didn’t entirely stop on the subject; he let the images he created settle. He talked to me about the next steps in the process; how people then distribute the images of the children across the internet, and how it is so widely accessible. He seemed adamant about telling me that it is a very large company that will only continue growing, and that a lot of it is filmed right here in Utah.

I felt that my purity was compromised because I repeatedly asked my father to stop talking about something that made me very uncomfortable, and he denied me the choice to not listen to something that was harmful to me. He made me feel that I was thinking perverted thoughts, when they came from him putting them there.

After 20-30 minutes, which felt like an eternity, I reinforced that I had no interest in the conversation and was sickened by it. He seemed proud of the way he made me feel; it was like he was gloating.

He finally let me leave the room.  Afterward, I felt sick with repugnance and I was exhausted. I want so badly to forget about everything he told me about child pornography, and yet I can't. Just writing this out makes me feel sick.


I feel the need to add that going back to these memories is extremely painful, and as I stated before, sickening. I had hoped that I would only have to endure it once, but in order to write it out I have to put myself back to that dark place. Anyone who is invested in this case in any way deserves the truth. I'm grateful to those who have been supportive, and those who have donated. I will be posting financial updates as they come. I'm also so grateful for all the prayers on the girls' behalf.

Love to all,

Brittany