Response to Anonymous Comment

I saw this comment in moderation a couple days ago. So many thoughts flooded my mind as I read, and I knew I needed to respond to it. Anonymous stated:
  

Dear Anonymous,

You misjudge the extent to which I have forgiven him.

Forgiving and trusting are very different things. If someone were to repeatedly ask you to borrow a very valuable, sentimental object of yours, and you let them, and they broke it every time, at what point would you set a boundary and not let them borrow it anymore? This has been a little what trying to have a relationship with my father has been like.

How can I fully trust him when he will not even accept accountability for his actions to me and other children? I lived in his home for three years, and all he ever did was accuse others for his actions. He never took full accountability for anything, especially not for his abuse of my mom, Angie, or any of these other sexually inappropriate actions with children.

I can forgive my dad to the fullest extent that I can, but I don't have to trust him. I can still be careful around him to protect myself. Forgiving someone does not mean accepting abusive actions toward myself or others going forward. Forgiving someone does not mean being naive to the possibility of him behaving the same way I've seen him behave for the past 19 years.

Are you saying that you also talk to your children often about sex and pornography, and place your youngest kid in the position of the child being sexually assaulted by the adult, which you refer to as yourself?? I sincerely hope not.

OF COURSE there are 'talks' every parent dreads having with their children, that need to happen at a child's appropriate age. What my dad did was not normal parent talks. And he often did them without another adult present. I think you need to re-read the instances of what I have referred to as, 'inappropriate sexual conduct.' (Not physical sexual abuse, as I believe you meant. Though I DO consider all hundreds of these instances of inappropriate sexual conduct my dad engaged in with us to be sexual abuse when considered all together, because of the extreme trauma and sexual discomfort it caused us.)

Then again, if you're convinced I'm coached, there is absolutely no point in even responding to you.

I hope that you're watching everything occurring with both eyes open. Please realize that although the courts claimed my mother to have coached us, most of the officials--officials who were trying to assess our situation so the court could have enough information to rule properly--never met with me. And realize that if you are calling me 'coached,' and you are wrong (which you are, but I will give you the benefit of the doubt), what you are actually doing is placing shame upon me for anything I say, as well as making an excuse for my abuser. I can't even describe to you the pain people are causing me by calling me 'coached.'

I have a voice. I am a human, not a pawn. I have memories. So many memories of trauma I lived through at the hands of my father. And I am choosing to share those memories. Because I would hate the consequences of holding anything back. Silence only enables abuse. I understand and empathize with those who don't want to find out my father has done such horrible things to children, but he has.

By the way, who has had primary custody of my sisters for the past four years? My dad. My sisters were isolated, monitored, and controlled so severely that they couldn't possibly have been brainwashed against him in the limited time they got with Mom. How could she have maintained her so-called "brainwashing" during her 15-minutes-or-less phone calls with my dad standing next to them the whole time? The idea is nonsensical. Those who call us coached are doing so out of such ignorance.

I appreciate this opportunity to thoroughly explain my position on forgiveness in this particularly complicated instance. I appreciate your thoughts and considerations. I realize that nobody who hasn't lived behind closed doors with Brian Wolferts can possibly understand the pain my sisters and I have endured. Nor can you fully understand the pain of re-living all these experiences. I forgive you for being blind to that, and I thank you for giving me the chance to hear your concerns and respond with my truth. Feel free to comment on my blog with any other legitimate concerns and/or questions.