Thanksgiving Spent in Hiding

Thanksgiving. Today marks 16 months and 494 days since Sydney and Dani ran away on July 17, 2014.

I miss my sisters and mom every single day, but October/November/December is harder than most. As some of you know, Dani's 15th birthday was October 29th, my mom's birthday was November 4th, and then the holidays follow, which feel especially lonely. Every day that has passed this month, I have wanted so badly to blog but the pain of trying to explain how I feel is overwhelming.

This morning I woke up and my first thought, as usual, was wondering how my mom and sisters are doing. I can only hope and pray that my family is being taken care of and fed well today. This will be the second Thanksgiving that they do not have the ability to celebrate with loved ones or even see loved ones because of my father Brian Wolferts and the corruption of the court system that brought us to this point (an upcoming post will touch more on this).

When my situation went national, I saw a lot of comments being thrown around the internet regarding the girls being in hiding. I saw many people accuse me and my family of being "abusers" because I "supported" them being in hiding. I feel the need to clarify a few things. 

What I do not support:
I am not in support with them being isolated from society. I hope that they are getting some kind of schooling because I am also not in support with them missing school (but if they are with my mother--a teacher and a nurturer--I think she would be doing everything she can to keep their schooling a priority). I am not in support of them enduring the difficulties and that I'm sure come with trying to live undercover.

I am also not in support of child abusers. I am not in support of the way the courts never talked to us, the way they struck our mom's pleadings and gave our abuser full custody after six years of living with our mom (despite the findings against him). I am not in support of the way my dad's attorney slyly pushed Sydney and Dani's court date from early July to October, denying me of reading their evidence in that Utah court and telling Sydney and Dani they simply had to go back to their abuser in Kansas after exposing him.

The list goes on forever, but the bottom line is: I am not in support of Sydney and Danielle Wolferts continually being silenced sent back to our abuser.

What I do support:
I am in support of my sisters being free from our abuser, voicing the truth of what they have endured, and being heard. There is nothing more important than this.

Since they ran away, there hasn't been a chance to hear their full story. They sent in videos on an unmarked package to one of my extended family members throughout last year, but there isn't much else. Here is a link to their first video, and I highly recommend watching the others. It is obvious that they have practiced what they decided to say, and are even reading from paper in some, but regardless they are speaking their truth. Here is a link to the "Documents" tab where some of Sydney and Dani's writings and journal entries are located.

If you are wondering how you can help, I would ask you to please continue sharing the blog link with everyone who hasn't had the chance to read it. Some people--for reasons completely beyond my understanding--believe that children's statements need to be ignored and they should be placed with the parent that they say is their abuser. Other people are confused in what they believe because haven't read this blog and my sister's statements. So please--share on social media, and keep them in your prayers. This is their second Thanksgiving spent in hiding, because the courts didn't protect them from our father.

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving! Spend it making precious memories with your families. We never know how much time we have with them.

Overcoming Abuse

Opening up about my road to overcoming my father's abuse is emotionally exhausting. There have been countless people trying to shut me down. These people have never met me and have no idea what me or my sisters have gone through, yet they try their hardest to silence any word of abuse and pain that we have endured. It is truly incredible and sickening all at once, because these cyber-bullies are adding to the self-degrading thoughts and self-worth struggles that my dad has previously instilled in my mind.

Some of these difficulties have subsided after careful treatment and healing, but others I continue to deal with and will most likely struggle with for the rest of my life. Part of his emotional abuse to us consisted of constant and incessant remarks, laced with anger and a desire for us to be miserable. My entire life (especially the years in his home) were full of comments such as:

-"You are a liar, you will always be a liar." (This was most often said when I would speak out about the way he had always treated us since we were little.)

-"You are not a trustworthy person. I will never be able to trust you."

-"One day you are going to get married, and you are going to think that you have a great marriage but you are going to screw it up and he will leave you."

-"You WILL be divorced someday, and you will be all alone--JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER." 

-"You will be miserable for the rest of your life because of what you've done." (Referring to me "lying" about abuse and trying to speak out about it.)

-"You're following the adversary (Satan)!"

-"You will never be happy because of your horrible choices."

-"You will never be successful at ______." I leave this one blank, because it was always whatever I was passionate about in school. Art, piano, choir--whatever it was, he made sure that I felt I would never be successful at anything. He would talk to my sisters the same way.

These are only a few among numberless fears, difficulties and issues I have struggled with because of my dad's abuse:

-Struggling to believe that I deserve to be heard and speak on behalf of my experiences (and my sisters').

-Never feeling confident that I'm qualified for any kind of position or opportunity. I feel that I do not deserve it.

-Hesitancy to meet new people, open new doors, because I feel like I'm a failure and I will always disappoint people.

-Disbelief that people like me.

-Feeling that I'm being critically analyzed by people, because he had constantly critically analyzed me.

-Having random moments of thinking that I will never get anywhere in life, that life is pointless, that I'm stuck, etc.

-Thinking that I don't deserve things that make me happy. This is a huge one that I struggle with daily. I battle with guilt every time I experience any happiness.

-Feeling that I don't deserve success in life.

-Physical manifestations of his abuse, including: bed wetting as a senior in high school, intense nightmares, severe cystic acne, borderline eating disorder, severe headaches and backaches caused by stress, and more.



The journey to overcoming these points and many more will take a lifetime of healing and therapy.

Announcement

Dear supporters, friends, and family:

This is a post that I will be quoting from my Facebook page, for those of you who haven't seen this announcement. (I will also be posting beneath it.)

"I haven't updated my blog since before the last Dr. Phil rerun. I've been scared. I've been weak. I've let my head tell me that I shouldn't fight this battle, because my sisters and mother are still gone. I've let cutting, stinging words of people across the nation tell me that I'm wrong for speaking out. Well, guess what? Giving into those false judgments was the only wrong aspect of the past year. I'd like to share three favorite quotes:

I am learning every day to allow the space between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me, and not terrify me... If you want something you never had, you have to do something you've never done... Everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear.

Those are three quotes that inspire me, all in the same category. Think about the growth we have to go through in life, whether emotional, physical, spiritual, mental... we must experience pain and/or conquer fear in order to grow and progress. Luckily, faith is there. And with faith, I am learning to overcome my fears and dedicate my life to the amazing journey God has in store for me. I am proud to announce that after months of emotional, mental and spiritual healing, I will be posting again--religiously! I will be speaking out about abuse, my healing process, becoming whole, and of course talking about my sisters and mom. Please, if you or anyone you know would be interested, share my link with them. I look forward to connecting with many strong souls all over this country. Love sent to you all."

From the deepest part of my heart, I want to apologize to all of my supporters for my absence. I missed out on precious months of continuous posts, and when I could have been speaking out for my sisters and other abuse survivors, I was silent. As stated above, I gave into fear that was thrown at me for speaking out.

However, as much as I want to apologize, the past months have been so healing for my mental/emotional/spiritual health. I have grown and become incredibly stronger. I see my potential for what it is truly worth, and I am coming back with more resilience than I ever thought I could possess! There is so much more to say on behalf of my sisters and my abuse recovery. I am back, and I am here to stay. 

In conclusion, I am re-arranging my blog back into it's original position, before the Dr. Phil re-run in August. But before it is sorted back into the history of this blog, I would like to draw attention to the numerous comments and discussions that were posted to the first Dr. Phil post. I wish I could post all of them here, but there would literally be a lack of space! I highly recommend reading through these many strong abuse survivor's stories and comments. I am touched with all of the support, all of the strength within these souls. I am sure that if my sisters were here, they would be equally as overcome with gratitude.

Thank you all for everything. Here's to the future!

Brittany

Moving Forward

Hi everyone,

I apologize in behalf of the time lapse between my last post and now. I took some much-needed time away from the clutches of the internet to focus on healing. Social media has proven to be a helpful tool, but there are definitely negative effects of having my personal story open for all the world. With that being said, I'm not going to stop fighting for my sisters. I can't. Not only because they have been the closest people to me on this earth, but because I know we have been through the same experiences. 

I also know that for whatever reason, I was put on this earth as the oldest sister of us three. I was the first to become a legal adult, I was the first to move out, I started the legal action to move custody, and I was the one who was left when they chose to run after the court refused to hear their pleas. This means that I am the sister that has to face the accusations, lies, and judgments from my dad's supporters tossed in my direction like razor-sharp frisbees. But that also means that I am the sister who has a voice right now, and I continue to choose to use my voice to speak the truth until Sydney and Dani can speak for their own experiences, too.

I would like to discuss my ideas moving forward. As time passes, important posts are buried, and I think that it would be good to refresh on the facts. Over the past few weeks, I've worked on this summary of abuse that has been previously written about in this blog. I very highly recommend visiting the links attached to each subject, as they include detailed descriptions of what occurred. It's going to be a long post, but I feel that it's necessary at this time.

After that, I will be making more posts focused on my mom and sisters. There's an awesome Facebook page that was started in my mom's behalf, called Understanding Michelle. It's a wonderful, enlightening place for those who knew my mom to post memories and share experiences of who my mom really is.

I love you all so much. I'm always thinking and praying for those who comment with their own stories. To my supporters: thank you for your donations, your time in reading my posts, sharing the links, and your words of encouragement. You're all wonderful and I wish I could thank each one of you personally!

Brittany Wolferts

Brian's Abuse In Summary

First off, today the page views hit 90,000. How incredible! In only four months, this blog has been able to spread my sister's true story across the country (and even internationally). I wouldn't be where I am today without each one of you who has come to read this collection of my family's experiences. Thank you.

As I discussed in my last post, here is a summary of all the abuse that I've put on this blog thus far. It's taken me a while to get it together and put it in order of occurrence, which isn't organized entirely accurately since the majority of my father's abuse was continual throughout the years. (For example, the abuse listed under "After Custody Change" were things he had been doing before the custody change, too). I felt that it was important to refresh these posts, since there are so many facts and stories that have been forgotten with time. 

The list is long, but very informative. I recommend heading to each link for a complete description of abuse if there are any questions, since these are just summarized bullet points. Also, don't forget--there's a Documents tab, a Timeline, an About section, a Q&A tab (you can always comment with valid questions), a link to the Roby Report, the Custody Report, and a tab for the Random Memories.

Pre-Custody Change

-A very detailed list of the different ways our dad has abused us (from when we were toddlers til present day).

-The facts that show my dad is the alienator, and that my mom never tried to isolate us from him as he did to her. This one is a deep read, but I feel that it's definitely a post to bring back from the past since my dad continues to try and convince people that my mom is who he actually is.

-Our dad would repeatedly tell us about a naked woman attacking him to have sex with him on his mission in Brazil. He started telling us this story when we were 10, 5, and 6 years old. Sydney, Dani and I always got the feeling when he told it that he was getting some kind of sick thrill in telling us inappropriate things and forcing us to picture related images in our minds.

-My dad would often tell my sisters and me detailed and very graphic stories of crimes against women. These stories would terrify us and although we would ask him to stop, he took pleasure in making us uncomfortable and frightened.

Custody Change (May 2010)

Update on GoFundMe Account

I find it's necessary to keep those who are donating in the loop of where my legal expenses stand, and exactly where every cent of your generous donations to my GoFundMe is going.

By the way... thank you SO much to everyone who has donated since my last thank you post a couple of months ago. You have given me a kind of support that I wouldn't have without you. You are keeping the court litigation open, and securing a chance at the girls being heard through the "proper channels." I feel that if Syd and Dani were here right now, they would thank each one of you.

Here is a full accounting of my Esplin Weight legal fees to date: 

"Conflict Avoidant"

In a statement by Dr. Hyde in 2007, he spoke of testing he did on my mom (Michelle). He wrote,

"[o]ne of these tests, the MMPI-2, showed that she was conflict avoidant. I have found Michelle to be this way. She avoids conflict and contention."

My father (Brian) has always needed to have those closest to him--spouses and kids--be submissive to his control and abuse. When they try to assert their own will, he crushes them. I think that my father needs to be married to someone submissive in order to maintain the severe control he initiates, and afterward get away with the pain of the abuse he inflicts. 

Angie is conflict avoidant as well. Whenever I saw my mom or Angie try to exert a bit of autonomy or try to protect his children from the pain he inflicted, it led to huge fights and my dad would always, always increase his dominance and threatening behaviors until whoever stood up to him finally backed down. He does not tolerate push-back. My father is an abuser who demands absolute submission. 

"I Had No Idea"

Here is an excerpt from a letter my grandma Judy wrote to my mom's lawyer dated Oct 2, 2004:

"Today, 17 days after her telling me that Brian served her with divorce papers & filling me in with so much that happened since they got married -- I am still reeling. I had NO idea. She told us nothing. I always felt she was protecting him -- but I thought it was just from "little stuff" -- nothing so devastating & humiliating as what he has put her through. I honor her courage, persistence, devotion, love, & loyalty & her clear clear vision & desire to help another human being. I haven't had a clue, however, all this time, as to the horrendous struggle that has been taking place. Not only was this an incredibly negative situation, she received no support from his family, as they apparently blamed it on "relationship problems" & were unwilling to deal with their son on a deeper level. Michelle, incredible as it still is to  me, was always supportive -- 100% -- & only said good things about him. That's why this has all been such a shock to all of us."

My mom didn't want to tell her family and closest friends that she was an abused woman--just like so many other victims of domestic violence do.

Blessings

I have been blessed in so many ways since going public with my family situation. I feel that it would be impossible to count all the ways I have been helped by generous and loving friends, family, and also people I've not met yet--people who have touched my life in ways I never anticipated since my sisters ran away in July.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all the people who have donated to my gofundme to help me in my ongoing legal battle to determine a safe custody arrangement for my sisters. An update will be posted soon. Your continued support is a vital part of my fight against the injustice of my sisters since the courts sent us to live with our abusive father.

Other costs have come up unexpectedly, the most recent cost being my mom's vehicle. Your immediate support of me when I placed my artwork for sale has enabled me to pay for removal of the boot that was placed on Mom's van (that was parked where she last lived in Orem before her disappearance).

On Pain and Suffering

The past eight months have been full of lessons and blessings and extreme hardships. One lesson I have become familiar with is that you cannot have joy in life without pain. There are always lows and highs.

I have learned to let pain shape me into a better person, which can only happen if one embraces it. It's not something you can ignore or run from. You must rely on faith to work through it. The beauty in this is that trials that test your faith can become priceless experiences.

A quote that I love:

Here, then, is a great truth. In the pain, the agony, and the heroic endeavors of life, we pass through a refiner’s fire, and the insignificant and the unimportant in our lives can melt away like dross and make our faith bright, intact, and strong. In this way the divine image can be mirrored from the soul...

Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful. 

-James E. Faust, "The Refining Fire"

In every trial, there is a choice we must make. We can let the hardship consume us, or we can let it soften our hearts. If you choose the first, you will become bitter and hateful; if you choose the second, you will become more spiritually receptive and understanding. 

I've made my choice to continually strive to allow pain and hardship make me the better person. I refuse to be a victim of my dad's abuse--my sisters and I will be victors. 

Random Memory #12: Discussing Angie's Breasts

My dad (Brian Wolferts) discussed my stepmom's large breasts with all of us daughters. If this were to have happened just once, perhaps it could have been a very uncomfortable discussion that I could have tried to forget. But this happened multiple times, sometimes in front of Angie. These talks caused all three of us a huge amount of discomfort, agitation, and repulsion. 

One time he went on and on about her breasts in detail that I would definitely deem as "lurid" for over twenty minutes at the dinner table. I remember him talking about how much he loved to grab them and how it made their sex much more enjoyable. He seemed excited by our obvious discomfort and our disgust at the intimately detailed discussion. I was 16, Sydney was 12, and Dani was only 11. After that specific discussion, I remember how all three of us discussed that we felt disgusted by the way dad kept pressing images of them being sexual, no matter how many times we asked him to stop. He seemed to thoroughly enjoy watching our discomfort, and we recognized the look in his eyes well during those times.

I know I've repeated this over and over, but I still feel this way: writing out these Random Memories is not something I look forward to. It's a disturbing process to re-live all these experiences, but it's necessary for those coming across this case to see the full story. If you haven't done so, please read the 11 previous Random Memories.

Art Prints

I've decided to sell prints of my original art piece Red Storm printed on 12" x 8" matte stock paper to help support myself during this time. This print is only $25 plus $5 shipping and handling (within the continental United States. International shipping can be quoted separately via email). Orders can be placed via Paypal through my art blog here, or through the button below.

Please consider buying a print of my drawing. I'm selling them to help me pay for my mom's van that was booted last week. I'm trying to pay the $150 before they tow it (just one more thing that had to happen). I plan to continue to create art to sell during this time, and any additional funds I raise through sales will help me with personal expenses that are mounting as I focus on the legal work in trying to get my petition heard. I so want it to ensure my sisters a safe living arrangement established through official channels. In addition to personal expenses, I plan to channel what I make into the legal donations as well.

On more of a personal note: when I create art, I can't help but think of my sisters. Sydney and Dani are little artists. Ever since I can remember, when I'd start drawing, they'd be whipping out a paper and pencil at my side. Every time I won an award through school or the community while we lived at mom's, Syd and Dani were right next to me with their own ribbons and beaming faces. However many times we were prevented from pursuing art over the past four years after custody changed to our dad, we will always have our love for drawing and painting. I feel that it is time for me to utilize that love again.

As ever, your support means so much to me. I can't tell you how much I value all of your supportive comments, concern, and emotional and physical support. I pray that your kindness is returned in measurable ways.

Brittany

Thoughts

As of right now as I publish this post, my blog has reached 80,237 views.

In spite of all the negativity and anger that has been thrown at me and anyone who chooses to support the girls and I, I can see the good evolving from this. Eventually, none of the nasty remarks and speculations on our life will matter. 

The following outcome is a given: My spiritually and mentally mature sisters will continue to grow up and make their own choices regarding their own safety and what is best for them. They will make decisions regarding where Dad fits in their futures, and they will set their boundaries. As they should. No matter what gets speculated about our mom, the actual truth is she did not alienate us from our dad. He did. His abuse, inappropriate sexual behavior, controlling, unrighteous dominion, and behavior are what drove us away from him.

Sydney's Sufferings

There were many other effects Sydney suffered from my dad's abuse to her (besides his physical abuse of forcing her to eat gluten even though she's celiac). She would have awful nightmares on the nights my dad would lecture her. She had major issues with sleep and could never sleep longer than a few hours without waking up.

My dad singled her out in other ways as the "favorite child" and seemed set on making her be like him. He would always tell us that Sydney was the closest to him out of the three of us. It made Sydney sick. She didn't want that connection suggested.

There were times when Sydney would come to me (only when Dad or Angie wasn't around, of course) with the most pained expression on her face. "I just can't handle this anymore, Brittany," she'd say, and I knew that she was severely tormented by him. I recognized in her manner that she was thinking of taking her life, because she behaved and talked just like I did when I felt like taking my own life during the worst moments of Dad's abuse. It scared me like nothing else. I was so upset at my dad for hurting my sweet sisters.

Although I was the oldest and most targeted (probably because of the imminent threat of my moving out and being out of my dad's obsessive control once I was an adult), Syd became the new oldest of the children at home. She told me that he worsened his attacks on her after I left. It killed me to see that happen, because all three of us speculated that it would.

Not "Cleared"

My dad (Brian Wolferts) has been saying that he has been investigated for abuse and cleared by the authorities. This is not true. No court or agency has fully investigated or ruled on the allegations that are contained in the original petition I filed in June 2014. My dad has engaged in delay tactics repeatedly to prevent any court from hearing the abuse allegations that relate to the last four years, when he has had primary custody of Sydney and Dani (and myself, before I turned 18).

His aggressive legal tactics resulted in the dismissal of their Guardian ad Litem and the temporary restraining order that had been the only thing preventing them from having to return to my dad's custody. That is the reason they ran away. I have been working tirelessly with my legal team to secure a hearing in court where my dad needs to answer for his abuse. These are not "regurgitated" claims from years ago. They are not recently invented as some have falsely stated. They are current. They are real, and they are true. And because my dad knows that, he is trying as hard as he can to never have to face me or my sisters in court, all while telling everyone that he has been "cleared" by the authorities.

Sydney's Celiac Disease

For a while, I've felt the need to write a post dedicated to what my sister Sydney (now age 15) had to physically endure at the hands of my father, because what she has gone through is actual abuse.

Documented History

My dad physically abused my sister, Sydney, by forcing her to eat gluten despite her official celiac disease diagnosis. During her life, my sister Sydney experienced serious and painful problems whenever she ate gluten. My mom took her to around 80 doctor appointments over many years to try to find why she had so much pain. Finally, on February 28, 2006, Sydney was admitted to Primary Children’s Hospital and had a biopsy taken from the small intestine to conclusively confirm that she has celiac disease. Dad was informed of this on March 10, 2006.

Mom immediately completely changed Syd's diet and consistently ensured that she wasn't served any food that contained gluten. Because Dad refused to cooperate and, at times, insisted that Sydney eat gluten-containing food such as popular breads and doughnuts, Mom was forced to secure various notes (May 3, May 10, June 13, June 16, August 14 2006, and March 21 2007) and emails to Dad to inform and compel him to stop feeding Sydney gluten. My mom had to send him emails again from Dr. Harnsberger on November 15, 2006, confirming the celiac diagnosis and the importance of a gluten-free diet. Mom hoped it would lead him to stop undermining Sydney’s required diet.

Dr. Phil 2

I was contacted by a producer of Dr. Phil around the end of November. Among the things they assured me in order to get me to agree to be on the show were the promises that I wouldn't have to confront my dad, that he wouldn't know what I was saying to them, and that Dr. Phil was an advocate for children and would let me speak. 

Although they said all those things, I was initially very skeptical. I didn't believe they would follow through with their promises and didn't see how the show would be a positive resource or outlet (and definitely not a final solution) for helping me help my sisters be safe from our dad's abuse. After years of the court system failing me and my sisters, my sisters running in July 2014, and all the ways my dad has attempted to keep me silenced in court since then, and all the ways my dad and his supporters have tried to scare me into backing down, I was almost to the point where I didn't think there was anything that could do to help my family's situation. I was losing hope.

Around this time, a lot of people told me they thought it would be a good thing to go on the show. I had family and friends who had seen highlights of shows where Dr. Phil stood up for the child, and the producers continued to tell me the same thing: that he was going to let me speak. I was very hopeful for that, because I felt that if my dad and I were able to civilly talk without him interrupting me like he had always done, maybe we could be a step closer to finding a compromise; a resolution.

I made a deal with the producers that I would go on the show only if I didn't

Dr. Phil

In the end of November, I was approached by an interested producer of Dr. Phil’s with the possibility to be on his show. I was led to believe that the show was on my side, ready to help me defend myself and my sisters from an abusive home life with our dad. During the process of being asked questions about the situation, I wondered if it was a good idea to trust Dr. Phil or not. I decided that I felt (and still feel) that shining as bright a light as possible on my sister’s situation is the best chance of them being protected and everything being resolved. Between our dad’s extreme emotional abuse and alienation, the court officials shredding our trust and failing us, and thousands of people jumping on my situation and making angry judgments… those girls have been through quite enough. I decided to go for it.

I assumed that Dr. Phil would be a good way to get even more people aware of our problems. After I realized that they weren’t going to help us unless I faced my dad on camera in person, I almost refused because I knew the imminent trauma of being in the physical presence of my abuser who I was (and am) still recovering from living with. But I weighed the possible good that Dr. Phil could do for my sisters, and I decided it would be worth the risk of facing my dad for the first time in over a year. I decided it would be worth the trauma. I told myself that I could handle it, prepare for it, and get through it.

But no amount of hopeful thinking could prepare me for the trauma I experienced being in his presence again and feeling his anger emanating toward me from

I Won't Give Up on My Sisters Being Safe

Dad's Attempts At Alienation

My dad (Brian Wolferts) sought my total isolation from my mother and anyone in her life, hoping that I would discover for myself his idea that my mom (Michelle) was “mentally ill” and “damned.” It was obvious to me that he needed me to have as little time as possible with my mother in order to make his implanted ideas stick easier, because the reality of time with my mom was completely opposite to what he kept repeating about her.

He told me the only way that I would discover for myself that she's "mentally ill" is if I cut off every tie not only with mom, but with her family, her friends, anyone in any of my wards I’ve lived in, anyone from her work field or people she knows from the ward, etc. For me to even begin to know "what she’s done, and the kind of person she really is". Because “they’ll all defend her because she’s got them thinking she’s the victim.” He would also tell us that she wasn't a good mother, and didn't really love us because of the way she tried to destroy our relationship with him. I have endured countless hours of my dad railing and lecturing us about our mom about all these things and many, many more. Yet she never tried to alienate us from him like he claims. I find it absolutely mind-boggling how much he accuses her now of doing the exact things he has done my entire life. I'm thankful that his attempts to alienate me from my mom didn't work.

When I say his attempts to alienate me from her 'didn't work,' I mean that they didn't keep me from wanting a relationship with her. I'm very thankful for that. But I didn't survive his alienation attempts without being affected. Dad tried as hard as he could to make us hate our mom. He found every excuse possible to sneak my mother into every subject, whether it was suggesting how awful a driver she was to accusing her of being mentally unstable and unfit to raise us. He always spoke negatively about our mom to us, and it was apparent that our dad wanted us to hate her. He incessantly channeled rage and abhorrence at us in hopes that we would channel it to her--it was apparent to me that the end goal of his raging to us was to get to Mom. It seems he wanted us to blame her for our pain he was causing us. It hurt us to have him talking about her so horribly (and I think it hurts any child to hear any parent talking bad about the other).

We knew Dad was not telling the truth. My sisters and I lived with our mom for six years, then visited her for the remaining four, and we never heard a negative remark against my father from my mom, even when we cried to her about the scary things he was saying and doing. She was gentle and kind our whole lives. I knew that his attempts to make us believe something untrue about Mom were wrong. The bad things my dad kept trying to convince us Mom was doing were almost verbatim what he was doing and had been doing for years. 

It was easy to not internalize the falsehoods about my mom, because there was such a stark contrast between her true self and what Dad kept trying to make us believe about her. With that being said, though: there were times that it seemed that it would be so much easier to earn our dad's love and stop his attacks if we started hating her, but we knew it wasn't right to hate our mom, and we didn't want to! All of this constant negativity toward my mom that my dad openly fostered ever since they first separated brought us all immense internal pain. 

In my personal experience (and I know Sydney and Dani feel the same way) I didn't want to be a vessel that channeled my dad's hatred to our mom--or anyone else for that matter--and so I turned the hatred inward. It seemed like the solution at first, but it didn't take much time to wear on me. My self-esteem, my faith in my talents, my belief that I was a good person--all of that began to decay. I've thought a lot about it, and I think that my dad fosters the idea in all of the people he lives with that they somehow deserve the horrible treatment he inflicts upon them. Because people with little or no self-esteem don't fight back. 

What motivates him to do this?

Comment Left in Moderation 1/14/15

This comment was left on my blog in moderation, and I felt it deserved its own post to address it, in order to give any readers a chance to address it too.

First of all, my dad called me into his room when I was a teenager and blindsided me with this discussion of child pornography. It wasn't because I was "lumping him in with people who were doing such abhorrent things" (whatever that's supposed to mean?). It was only after he put his own self and my baby sister in an example of filming child pornography that I considered him to be on that level. He painted a picture of himself engaging in child pornography with my baby sister. He looked excited when he talked about it for 20 to 30 minutes with me, as his unwilling and extremely uncomfortable audience. As I said before, he acted like he was gloating as he told me about child pornography.

Pretend that your kid randomly gets called into the principal's office in school for no apparent reason. Once alone with your child, the principal says, "A ring of people who made child pornography was busted, right here in our state! And what's crazy is that these people have made thousands of videos of doing things to children, even in schools like ours! Do you know what child pornography is? You need to understand how it works. What happens is that adults take children as young as your 2 year old sister and perform sexual acts with them. Those adults can be my age. Can you even imagine someone like me doing something like that with your 2 year old sister? Sometimes, they hire other people to come in and do it. But sometimes, it's actually principals and their own students!"

If your child came home disturbed by this, would your response to them be, "Did you ever consider that he was trying to explain how severe child porn is, because you were lumping him in with people who were doing such abhorrent things, and he was perhaps concerned you considered him to be on that level?" Would you suggest that the principal "was simply trying to illustrate just how terrible pedophiles can be, and that he was not in that category?" 

No; you would consider him a twisted threat to your child and all children. You would immediately seek for him to be removed as principal.

Random Memory #11: Attracted to Cousin

One day when I was 17, my dad (Brian Wolferts) came into my bedroom.

     "So... your cousin Gideon."

     "Yeah?" I replied hesitantly. I couldn't imagine why Dad had suddenly come into my bedroom to randomly talk to me about my cousin from Washington who was two grades behind me in school.

     "Are you excited to see him at your mom's family reunion?"
    
     "Of course." I said. It was a no-brainer; I only saw him once a year at my Grandma's house when his family came to visit Utah. I was confused why my dad even asked.

     "Do you have a crush on Gideon?"

     "What?!"

     "Do you have a THING for him?"

     "Ew, NO!" My mouth dropped open and I was completely disgusted.

     "A lot of people have an attraction to their cousins. It's completely normal. I had a thing with my cousin, you know. It lasted a while. I would get really excited to see her when family reunions were scheduled. We would sneak off together and stuff. I even kissed her a couple times." He was talking about his female cousin on Omi's (his mom's) side of the family. His eyes gleamed in the strangest way while he told me this. I can still remember how excited he looked. It grosses me out so much to recall it... it even makes me nauseous. "It's okay Brittany, you can tell me how you really feel about him. It's normal."

     "Dad! I do NOT have "a THING" for Gideon!" I remember my horror at the thought of my dad kissing his cousin and sneaking off with her. Has he told anyone before? Did their parents know? I thought. Why is he telling me this? Seeing the look in his eyes, I knew he was telling me for the pure enjoyment of my discomfort and shock.

     "Well, I just wanted to tell you that it's perfectly natural if you do."

With that, he abruptly left my room while I sat there gaping in shock.

Sydney's Writings

I'm going to dedicate a couple posts on all of the alienation speculation going on, because not only does it affect me, but it affects my sisters.

There are statements such as "Brittany is the only one coming up with this stuff, so she's alienated", "Sydney and Dani haven't spoken about abuse", and even "If there was really abuse, Sydney and Dani would have come forward about it" circulating the internet. (And those are just to name a few.) No, I am not the only one claiming abuse. Sydney and Dani have spoken about it, in the ways that they could without facing Dad's wrath for doing so. This post is to highlight one of Sydney's writings, and also to encourage everyone to look at the Documents tab where there are multiple journal entries from both Sydney and Dani.

Until I turned 18, the only way I felt I could express myself was through my private journal entries and by confiding to my close friends. My sisters have tried to speak about the abuse they suffered in many ways as well. They told me of it when we lived together at dad's house, and continued to tell me of it after I moved away. What they disclosed to me compelled me to get them an appointment with Dr. Hyde, who believed them. He stood up for them and agreed they would be severely emotionally harmed (see #10) if sent back to Dad's. Sydney and Dani also wanted to tell a judge. They ran away rather than go back to Dad's abusive house. They made a video, stating that they are not safe there and that they would rather live in a box than go back there (and they had told me that very same thing on both visits home to Utah between December and June). They stated they will run away again if forced to live there. They also wrote journals outlining their experience, as I had.

Here is what Sydney wrote, outlining what she heard our dad (Brian Wolferts) telling her on a weekly basis. I highly encourage you to read the entire first three pages.

Sydney writings and journal entries.pdf

If you're interested, the next page (titled "My Only Freedom") was something she wrote for school, which she won an award for. She hid it from Dad because that poem was her expressing how she felt living in his custody, but she explained the imagery of her poetic words to me. When she writes, "it's like talking to a rock. There is no significance to my voice." she is referring to our dad as the rock. When she writes, "...like I used to when I was three. Before the mix-up." She is talking about before the divorce. When she writes, "Everyone expects me to cope with it," She's talking mostly about Dad when he would repeatedly tell us to "get over" the custody change that altered our world. She also felt there were other adults he associated with that expected the same thing of her. The page after that is a poem Syd wrote for me after I moved out, "ancrer mon âme" ("Anchor My Soul"). I hold it close to my heart.

If Sydney saw what has been said about her and Dani being alienated by Mom, I know she would be offended and hurt. Here they have put everything on the line to speak out about what my dad said and did to hurt them, in the best ways they could, only to be shot down. Sydney is a passionate writer, and obviously chose her words very carefully. In her moments of deepest pain, she would write to express herself. Shame on anyone who claims her writings are false.

Stay tuned for the next post, and thank you for everyone's supportive comments!

Random Memory #10: Complete Disturbance

As I stated in my previous post, some of these memories are so difficult to write about. They give me a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat. But when my dad made a public outcry to thousands of people to help him find my sisters back in August, I made a decision to speak out about the abuse, discomfort, fear, and everything else that we endured. It wouldn't be fair to those involved in the situation, fair to my sisters (who have needed a voice for far too long), nor would it be right to keep all these things silent. I feel that withholding the truth would be an act of dishonesty in and of itself. 

My dad often made me feel highly uncomfortable in ways that were hard to pinpoint exactly--ways that brought a creepy feeling of disgust. Sometimes he would look me up and down and comment about how he felt certain clothing items complemented my body. One time I got a new pair of jeans for school. When I got home he asked me to show him and Angie the pants, and when I did, he talked about the way my jeans hugged my hips and thighs. "Whoa, Brittany," He said, "I didn’t know you had hips. Those jeans really show them off. You shouldn’t wear those anywhere, they’ll make boys think bad thoughts." 

He would look at my body in a way that made me feel like he was undressing me with his eyes and made me highly uncomfortable. I immediately felt that I couldn’t wear those jeans around him, because he would stare at my hips and butt. After that, Angie wouldn't allow me to wear those jeans again... She seemed upset at what he said, and I didn't understand why.

My dad constantly told me I was 'putting bad thoughts in boys' minds,' whether it was the kind of bra I wore to my choice of pants. (And I feel the need to add that I was one of the most modest-dressed girls at school. You can ask any of my high school friends.) It didn't seem to matter what I wore or what I did--I was putting naughty thoughts in men's mind. That had an absolutely disturbing effect on me and the way I perceived myself. To this day, I can't decide what is worse--feeling like my dad wanted to see through my clothes or feeling like I was constantly walking porn to other boys.

Inappropriate Sexual Conduct

My dad abused us in ways that are difficult for me to talk about. He has committed multiple acts of abuse in the form of lewd and inappropriate sexual conduct in the presence of his children at home. Those who view the following post do so to their own discretion, and I recommend them to be over the age of 18.

My dad would touch Angie’s crotch in the presence of us kids, and he did so multiple times when my sisters and I were in the same room to witness it. When we first started living with my dad, and had every-other-weekend visits with our mom, there were instances where he would touch Angie inappropriately in front of us. When it first started happening (even before he had custody) I would turn a blind eye out of disgust and give him the benefit of the doubt. I kept telling myself, He doesn’t know we’re watching, and I'd keep hoping it were true. 

But whenever I saw him touching Angie there, I felt extremely uncomfortable, and I knew that after a couple years of it happening that my dad was completely aware of our consciousness to those actions. He wasn’t oblivious. Most of the time it was when we were all in the living room, sitting down to a movie or TV. I’d try to pretend like I didn’t see anything when I'd see him doing it... But knowing it wasn’t right, I ended up telling one of the DCFS workers involved in my mom’s visits. I’m not sure if the worker contacted my father, or what happened, but he stopped after that.

My dad also seemed to enjoy telling us sexual details of his sex life for his own enjoyment. One day, at the dining table, Dad was determined to tell my sisters and me what sex was like. In particular, how their (his and Angie’s) sex was. Angie was present in the beginning of the conversation, but left partway through, and that’s when my dad went into further detail. (To this day, I'm not sure if she left out of discomfort or if she felt it wasn't appropriate. I have always wondered.)

Due to the sickened feelings this discussion caused, my mind has blocked out much of what was said. As hard as I’ve tried, I remember hardly any of the exact commentary, because I was so disturbed by the entire thing. I remember that he was talking about how good it felt to have sex with Angie, and that having sex was an enjoyable experience filled with lots of pleasure. 

Sydney and Dani were so uncomfortable that I could see them physically squirm as he talked. Even as I write this, I can feel my stomach rising up my throat, making me want to vomit. He went on and on, and as usual when we asked him to stop, he only pushed further.

He didn’t go into explicit detail about his privates, but he talked about the pleasure sex brought in a way that made me feel like he was trying to make us picture him having sex. I remember him describing the tingly feeling that sex gives, and making strange comparisons to try to describe exactly what pleasures sex brings. He would specifically compare to experiences we could relate to, such as slipping into a hot bath. He told us that it's like stepping into a hot bath, "and your entire body starts tingling, and you don't want to get out because it feels so good." The connections he made, and the effort he put into forcing images and feelings into our minds made us feel dirty and sick to our stomachs. 

When we asked him to stop again, he said 'What? Don't tell me you girls don't need to know about this. Because you do.' And treated us as if we'd asked for this conversation, while we silently prayed for him to stop.

He wanted us to hear what he was saying and visualize their sex for reasons that I don't even want to imagine. To be honest, recently discovering that my dad admits to being aroused by 6 year olds and admits to having "a history of sexual contact with a child" only validates the disturbed feelings I already got from him.

Sydney and Dani confided in me that they felt utterly violated about the discussion. Multiple times, when he did these kinds of things, they expressed emotions of fear and physical nausea. They told me they felt uneasy about living with a man who seemed to have a continued desire to make us feel sexual discomfort. None of us could understand it.

I can't describe how difficult it is for me to recount these kinds of experiences I went through. For me to go back to those places of fear and disgust and disturbance.

I try to describe these memories with as much detail as possible because of the many people involved who deserve to know the truth. It's difficult to try to recount experiences that have caused trauma in my life only to have people tell me I am making something out of nothing, or that I'm making everything up. I am not doing either. These are memories of events that took place in my life, and I have the right to speak out about the life I endured with my father for three years at the side of my sisters, who lived with him for another year after I left. There is too much at stake for my sisters if they are put back in that harmful environment.

What Most People Don't Realize

I have seen speculations that I haven't been following the proper legal channels in trying to get my sisters heard. I have also seen speculations that my dad is supportive of getting my sister's voices heard. Both are false, and this post will explain why.

My dad seeks for Sydney and Dani to stay in hiding so he can continue to look like a persecuted victim to others. My sister's silence helps him spin his chosen narrative about them being brainwashed as they hide. He knows I've been telling the truth about him. What his supporters don't seem to know is that he is the kind of guy who can get angry at his own three-month-old (my sister Sydney) and throw her by the leg across the room. What does he care if the girls who dared tell on him have an inconvenient time while hiding from him?

He could have quietly faced us in court and avoided all public exposure of his abuse. Instead, he has chosen to use the system like a tool: delay and lie to make taking him on in court almost financially impossible. He has been using earnest people to verbally abuse my sisters and I so that he doesn't have to publicly expose his own abusive nature. A couple examples of how I know this: he doesn't discourage anyone from being nasty to me or from stalking me. He encourages stalker-like strangers to continue to search for Syd and Dani to be returned to him.

I am going to continue to speak up about what my sisters ran from while he forces them to remain hidden. He first forced them to run by avoiding facing them in court on a technicality, by fighting to get their TRO vacated, and by twice moving to remove their appointment of their own GAL. Those are facts. He fought from the start to get them returned to his house behind closed doors after they dared tell on him. Since they ran, he has also forced them to remain hidden by failing to offer them safe asylum, by failing to move the court to order them a safe living situation while proper authorities hear them, and by currently fighting to have my petition on appeal dismissed on another lame technicality. 

Random Memory #9: Crimes Against Women 1

My dad often told my sisters and me detailed stories of crimes against women.

One time I remember him sitting us all down, saying “I need to tell you what happened on the news today.” He went on to describe a story about a pregnant woman who was befriended by another seemingly nice woman in a grocery store. Dad told us that when the stranger offered to help the pregnant lady out with her groceries, she got in the car with her afterward and “sliced the pregnant lady’s belly open." 

I started asking Dad if it was necessary for us to hear all the details. I asked him politely to stop. He didn't care. "Then," he continued, "Her bladder and guts spilled out of her and the lady ripped the baby out of her tummy, and cut the cord. Then she cut the lady and left her to bleed out in her car.” My dad discussed with us all possible reasons and thoughts the crazy lady might have had that made her decide to kill the pregnant woman.

I attempted to stop his story multiple times, saying “Dad, I don’t think we need to know about this to this extent. I don’t think Sydney and Dani should be hearing this. I’m uncomfortable – all of us are uncomfortable.”

But instead of stopping, Dad told me that we needed to hear this. When I asked why,he said “if you don’t know about all of this, then how are you going to know to defend yourself against all those crazy people?”

Anytime I questioned my father about telling such grisly and violent stories against women, he would give the reason that when me or my sisters encounter this stuff, we need to "be prepared."

These stories terrified us, and I would think that if he truly wanted to "prepare" us, he would teach us self-protection or put us in a class. Instead, he chose to tell us gory details that made us wonder why he was thinking about the story so much. And why on earth he felt he needed to share it with us in extreme violent detail. Telling us that we needed to know what happened to other women to be prepared for when it would happen to us petrified us!